Are you having a roommate problem with yourself?
SHAKING THE ‘SHOULDS’
I remember when I was four and five I would wake up each day at dawn, sneak out of the house of sleeping siblings and parents, get on my little red push scooter and ride screeeetching with uncontained excitement into life. There was everywhere to explore, everything to discover, and everyone to meet and play with, I had no doubt, no career confusion, and no hesitation to glide headlong into all the awefilled fun my tiny being could contain. I was Huck Finn floating into life’s sweet flow , Neil Armstrong taking my one small step, Columbus discovering a New World.
What happened to me and us? We have been engaged by parents and educators in ways that did not respect our autonomy, choice or free will. We were rewarded, punished and coerced into doing what we "should" and lost connection with that natural, everflowing intrinsic passion and motivation for love, learning and life.
We have been so ""should upon" that we do not even know what is fun any more. Have you ever watched little kids deciding about what game to play? One kid will bring up an idea and the other kids will either say, Yea! That's it, let's do it." Or "nah, let's play hide and seek instead." They know. They feel intuitively what would be fun. Have you ever heard a little kid say "Yea, hide and seek would be fun but we "should" get better at tag instead."
. Have you ever noticed that the more you think you "should" do something the harder it is to do it? Like doing your taxes (thank God for extensions) or stopping smoking, losing weight or going to sleep. Do you ever think, "I "should" be able to move past these "shoulds" and become a creative, productive, effective person!" If so I bet that when you were a child you were shamed by being told you were lazy whenever you "indulged" in rest or recreation.Three of the most common "shoulds" people bring me, as a psychotherapist, to fix:
- How do I get myself to do what I "should" so I will not be angry at myself and feel depressed?
- How do I get my partner to treat me the way I "should" be treated?
- How do I get my child, employee, (or) father to listen? (which really means, act the way I think he/she (they) "should". Sometimes they frame it in terms of "How do I get my wife to quit being lazy, or start being motivated, or quit being irresponsible, etc." But, of course, it all means the same thing. They are asking how they can get their child, employee or father to do what they want and what they think they "should" do.
I try to get them to change their agenda to:
- How do I develop a gentle caring relationship with myself so I will act in caring ways toward me? This may involve doing things for myself I dislike, but still want to get done somehow.
- How do I hear and clear whatever resentments, hurts or fears that are clogging the pipe of love so my partner will want to give to me?
- How do I put the relationship with my child first and getting the toys put away second. Every child loves to give to their parent until they are told they have to or "should". Every child loves to help their parent until they are told it is their duty. Every child feels great generosity of spirit toward their parent until they are told they owe it to their parents.
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"Should" is also an indication of self-hate. It is a rejection of the actual self and a demand for an unrealized ideal self. Sometimes I tell myself, "I "should" be a best selling author and world famous guru." I hate the fact that I am not, because I think I "should" be. This self-hate does not inspire me to start making the plans or taking the steps it would take to move me toward these lofty goals. In fact it zaps me of any of the self-caring and self-confidence I would need to achieve such goals.
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Many of our "shoulds" are insanely unreasonable:
The monk's "should": I "should" never need anything.
The therapist's "should": I "should" always be patient and empathetic.
The macho man's "should": I "should" never be scared.
The mother's "should": I "should" always put my children's needs ahead of my own.
The Zen student's "should": I "should" never be upset about anything anyone says.
The medical intern's "should": I "should" never experience time or energy limitations, or tiredness.
The Mensa member's "should": With my great intelligence I "should" have no relationship difficulties.
The eternally wounded workshop junkie: My parents "should" have been different.
The guilty fundamentalist church goer: I have forgiven my parents so I "should" not have any unpleasant feelings towards them.
The author’s shoulds: I "should" have written this article a long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of distress. I "should" have known how to "shake the shoulds" much earlier in my life. Or maybe someone "should" have taught me.
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I have clients who come into my office regularly, and list off twenty different things they THINK they would like to do. They plead, cajole and threaten to end the therapeutic relationship with me in an attempt to get me to tell them which one they "should" do. And I empathize and empathize with how scary it is to take responsibility for one's choices with all of the consequences. Some build enough connection with themselves to make the leap into the river of life, others sit on the bank cursing the river for not pulling them in.
Or maybe you were tricked into believing you were lazy by well meaning teachers who never came out and said it by implied that basically children are lazy, hate learning and need to be coerced in order to be productive. How do they do this? By suggesting through their actions that children must be punished and rewarded into "good behavior." Here’s how Alfie Kohn says it in his book The Schools our Children Deserve:
"If the capacity for responsible action, the natural love of learning, and the desire to do good work are already part of who we are, then the tacit assumption to the contrary can fairly be described as dehumanizing.
A subtle way this gets expressed is when teachers offer more reading or class work as a punishment or less of it as a reward which drives home the point that learning is something a student should want to avoid."
Usually when I try to shame or "should"" me into doing something it does not work because I am just as rebellious as I am coercive. It is kind of like trying to bend over and pick yourself up by your own ankles. It only leads to procrastination. Or if I do whip me into doing a ""should"" I feel exhaustion, depression and subtle self hate for oppressing myself. It is hard to be an enthusiastic slave!
"Should" is a little hairball of fear that clogs the pipe of connection to Self and blocks our natural flow of passion, compassion and creativity that would otherwise be there. Compassionate self acceptance is the Draino that frees up our passionate being, so it can experience itself through doing. Sometimes this "should" concept has gotten so lodged in our consciousness that we need the help of others to escape it is paradoxical bind on us. Certain friends, therapists or groups can give us a quality of acceptance that can act as a catalyst for our own self acceptance. A therapist with a high quality of presence will hold a space that will allow the shroud of ""should"" filled fear to recede, revealing your being, and It is desire for self knowledge through self expression.. However, be careful of certain kinds of therapists I call "their pisseds." These are the ones that use clinical "shoulds" to try to fix you and then get pissed when you do not make the progress they think you "should". They say stuff to you like, "You "should" not be so hard on yourself!" Great, so now besides just being hard on yourself you feel guilty about it. Or maybe you get a new age therapist that implies that you "should" not "should" on yourself. It is easy to get stuck in the ""should" Hall of Mirrors," and it is not a fun house either.
Self knowledge is one motive for seeking self expression. But maybe there is an even stronger motive for shaking your ""shoulds"". Poet laureate of the U.S., Mark Strand once said, "I think that It is inevitable, you learn more about yourself the more you express yourself through writing, but that's not the purpose of writing. I do not write to find out more about myself, I write because it amuses me." Hum, could the purpose be amusement? Could it be true that if you had fun you won? It would be fun to do all kinds of things if I did not think I "should" do them. For instance writing could be fun if I did not think I "should" do it. Lots of people write for fun and do not even get paid for it. Lots of people ""should"" themselves into doing a lot of stuff they hate, that a lot of other people would love to do. Take my partner Deb. It is the dessert of her day to take an hour long bike ride at sunset along the beach. On the other hand, for my friend Scott, it is like crossing a desert. He whips himself into occasionally exercising on his bike to try to keep his weight down and then mentally beats himself up unmercifully when he does not. His guilt about not exercising when he "should" also takes all the fun out of his attempts to take leisure time. What Scot is trying to do is to do his duty to himself. But even when Scot is successful in getting himself to do his duty and exercise, it does not add to his self-appreciation. Yes, he finally met his expectation and maybe his self-hate lessens for a minute, but he still resents himself for being such a hard task master. He is not really loving himself because he has learned to be a "duty-giver. The "duty giver" has no appreciation for himself because what he gave himself did not come from caring but from coercion. "duty giver" gives to avoid guilt. The "duty giver" does not know that it is not how productive you are, but how you are productive. (I am scared I will punish myself if I do not "work hard". I punish myself by thinking I am lazy; thinking that I am missing out on life's potential, and angrily telling myself I "should" be doing more with the potential that God has given me. In other words, I say to myself, if I were truly grateful I would be doing more. When I think this way it is very difficult to get in touch with and to give to myself from a compassionate caring place. It is also difficult for me to contact any sort of creative energy when I have "Akilla the Fun " in my head holding a whip saying "alright now be spontaneously creative!" When I relate to myself from that fear based, harsh, Puritan work ethic belief system I often submit with great resentment or rebel in various deviant and defiant ways. The saddest part though, is that I cut myself off from compassionate caring for myself or creatively contributing to others.
One thing that is really scary to me about the "shoulds" is that as soon as I come up with something I really want to do, something that would be really good for me, the Jackal part of my brain hijacks it and converts it into a "should". For example, I really enjoy writing, amusing myself with word play, learning more about myself in the process and turning people on to helpful ideas. So, I told some people about my longings to write and a successful author friend of mine, Diana Loomans author of Full Esteem Ahead introduced me to the president of a major publishing company. (He is the president mind you, not just one of the editors. We met and had a very powerful, deep, meaningful, moving experience and dialogue. At the end, he expressed a sincere interest in helping me publish a book. It was starting to look like a story book plot: Boy meets publisher, publisher likes boy - but wait - enter the evil empire's antagonist, keeper of the "shoulds," Akilla the Fun. This tyrant of the ""should"" is a savvy political operant. Whatever position you take, he will join your side. Whatever you think you want to do, he will agree that you "should" do it. This dark Plutonian force kidnaps needs, wants, and daring delightful dreams and converts them into "have to's," obligations and nightmarish demands.
A good way to invite this devil into the workshop of your consciousness is to create more idle time for yourself than you need. Now in this vacuum, the brain's genetic survival instructions take over. They are "adaptive," trying to increase the likelihood of our survival by thinking more scary, negative ""should"" thoughts. My Joe Caveman-mind says, "I "should" build the fire bigger in front of the cave to keep the saber tooth tiger away. I "should" go get more food in case we run out, etc." The more you lie on the couch waiting for a good mood to descend on you, the more unpleasant the fear about what you "should" be doing will appear. Many people deal with this by becoming depressed, making themselves do the minimum to survive, and numbing out. Did I mention that there are eighty eight NBA playoff games on TV this month? Stimulus deprivation studies (where people are put in solitary confinement), show that without ordered feedback people start having uncontrolled scary fantasies. The mind needs clear goals and feedback if it is going to avoid the paralysis of paranoid analysis. Csikszentmihalyi, author of the best selling book "Flow", says, "Even the experience of working at a job has the characteristics of order and continuity. When they are missing, chaos ("shoulds" and fear) returns." I am realizing that one form of self-caring is to provide myself with interesting challenging activities to keep my consciousness in the sweet flow of life. But I want to be sure that my motivation is compassion to my need for challenge and aliveness, and not submitting to the inner tyrant saying "You "should"getbusy, you lazy sloth." Submission to or rebellion against "should"" are both coming from fear. Some say if I do not make me do stuff or whip me into action I will not do anything. This is probably true and if so, how sad for you and for me too. I have been going through a period of relative inactivity, and spending my time sleeping and vegetating as I have refused to ""should"" myself into writing this chapter. It is very much like a slave who . has been ground down until only the threat of punishment will keep him going. When the slave is set free there is some confusion and difficulty getting in touch with what he wants to do and why. . It is scary to trust the new freedom. There is also grief at having been chained for so long that comes with the emerging awareness of the joy of freedom. The sweet joy of freedom emerges as we grieve our past prisons.
I feel very sad about how harsh I have been on myself as I have tried to get clear on my "being" before I start my doing." I really want to spend time each day, preferably each morning, being with and really empathizing thoroughly with all my "shoulds". I want to do this not for purposes of manipulation or motivation, but for clarification. Motivation and energy and life force are already there. I just need to clear a path for it is expression. That life force wants to serve me but I need to empathize to clear the fear. I choose to clear the fear ringing in my ear so I can hear the call of my vocation, my need to contribute. Or I want to feel and enjoy the guilt free hunger for vacation and recreation. Another way of talking about this process for reconnecting with the Élan Vital (vital life force within) is relaxing out of our head and down into our body. To relax out of the thinking, "I am procrastinating" or "I have writers block" or "I am depressed" or "I do not feel like doing anything." This is not easy because there is a certain ego pride in thinking one knows what the problem is. There is a kind of noble suffering one can take in righteous resignation. But resignation is not relaxing down into the body. Once we have relaxed down into the body, all of that "have to" and "should" energy melts into "want to" and "get to" energy. We can start to leave the anger and sorrow of not having created the past we wanted, as well as the fear of not creating the future we want.
In Eckhart Tolle's book, The Power of Now, he talks about this relationship between relaxing down into the body and finding this flow of creative energy. He says, "Surrender is perfectly compatible with taking action, initiating change or achieving goals. But in the surrendered state a totally different energy, a different quality, flows into your doing. Surrender reconnects you with the source-energy of Being, and if your doing is infused with Being, it becomes a joyful celebration of life energy that takes you more deeply into the Now."
How sad that I will only call myself good,
If I do what a voice inside says that I "should".
I choose now to stop calling myself bad.
Just because I do not do what I wish I had.
It is the same thing I fought against in college. I would tell myself, "I know I "should" be studying right now instead of watching Star Trek." But there I would sit trying to stay focused on my beloved show while annoying '"should"' thoughts, like little guilt gnats kept buzzing if front of my mind’s eyes. I could not really enjoy the show, (Akilla the Fun strikes again) nor could I enjoy studying and thereby missing the show. Having a case of the "shoulds" is like having a case of the sh_ts (i.e. Guilt Diarrhea) where anything besides sitting on the toilet is miserable and even that is totally miserable. With the "shoulds" doing anything other than what you "should" is tainted with miserable guilt and making yourself do what you "should" is like making yourself eat razor blades. Oh sometimes, if it is a really excellent episode of Star Trek I can forget I have the "shoulds" for a few minutes.
It is the intensity of the pain that "should" creates, (self hate, self anger, disgust, etc) that gives addictions their power. Heroine, alcohol, consumerism, bon bons, TV, with all their devastating side effects, seem like a good alternative to the relentless torture and tyranny of the inner "should".
What if it were socially acceptable to have a case of the "shoulds" once in a while? You could call into work and say, "Oh wow, I am really sorry but I cannot come in today because I woke up this morning with a terrible case of the "shoulds." And your boss would say "Oh" I am really sorry to hear that. I had them last week. There has been a lot of it going around lately. It must be "should Season." So you take as long as you need, get lots of empathy and do not come back to work one minute before you really want to." I bet if the culture operated this way we could save millions of dollars in lost productivity due to sick leave and health care costs. If I am having a "should" go off in my head it means that a part of me is in fear. That fear needs empathy until the "should" subsides and the true want emerges. (Example: My sexual partner is out of town for several days and comes home. I start thinking I "should" have sex with her, after all it has been a long time. Now this is really sad because she has been my sexual fantasy for years, and I really do not need my mind's help with my sex life. My mind has only ever served to screw up my sex life, if you will pardon the pun. Now something that has been a great joy in my life becomes a job, a chore, and a duty. I also believe that it is "should" contributes to sexual performance anxiety and dysfunction. Men sometimes start thinking things with their big head like, "I really "should" be able to wait till she has an orgasm." Or, "I "should" be able to go all night." Of course all this distracts from the natural flow of erotic energy.
A "should" suggests that there is separation between my will and the sweet flow of life, and therefore, they are two separate things. I want to sit with my fear until it subsides enough for me to remember that my will and the flow of life are the same thing. They are like a tributary and the main river coming down the mountain toward the sea. I need to use my will, not to do what I "should", but to get that tributary of "should" thinking reconnected to the main river source of life's creativity.
It can be helpful to sit still and locate within your body where the damn in your river of life is. Maybe it is in your shoulders. Be with it. Ask it "What’s it all about?" Maybe it answers "Burdon and responsibility." Sit beside it for a minute and keep your old friend ‘burdon and responsibility’ company for a minute. Then ask it "What else?" and sit with whatever comes up. If you can really pay attention and relax into it you will notice that it "shifts" and goes deeper as layers emerge like rings of an onion. As we learn to ‘focus’ into the bodily representations of inner ‘shoulds’ the blocked energy is released and becomes a longing for creative expression. Check out Eugene Gendlin’s book on the subject called "Focusing."
The Schizophrenia of "should" thinking destroys my childlike spontaneity. A child never thinks "I "should" play". When I am thinking "should" I am up in my head, my ego, adult head thinking that there is a need for my "wiser" adult to control my "foolish" child. I am also experiencing a sense of separation within myself that I label "my child versus my adult." That perception of separation occurs in my head, and if I allow my awareness to enter my body I will notice an accompanying fear. This is a case of my false ego appearing real.(F.E.A.R.) I am entertaining the illusion that I am two beings. There is the wise, good being that knows what I "should" do and the rebellious bad being that hates to be controlled. It reminds me of mornings I have woken up and said, "Alright now, quit being lazy. We need to get out of bed now." We? Who the hell is we and what are they doing in my bed with me? To shake "shoulds" into wants I need to get clear. I chose to take my time to empathize with my fear. If I think that there is a decision to make, It is just another "should" I need to shake I do not have to figure out what I "should" be. If I listen with acceptance, clarity will find me. I want to practice putting my relationship with myself first and getting other stuff done second. I would like to pay more attention to what energy, attitude and intention are motivating me to do something and less to what I "should" do. I would like my only agenda to be to listen to and nurture me. I want to listen to myself until I can hear the wants that are temporarily obscured by the cloud of "shoulds." If you would like to practice, try the following steps:
Step 1- Notice you are "shoulding" on you. Do you know how you can tell? Different parts of your body feel "shouldy", i.e. tension in your shoulders, fear in your stomach, etc. All kinds of little things start to irritate you.
Step 2 - Accept or let it be okay that you are "shoulding". (If you think you "should" not think "should", notice that and let that be okay.) By let it be okay, I mean relax your body and allow yourself to feel the fullness of your anger and disgust with yourself for not living up to your own expectations. Let yourself feel the fear that you are going to "miss out," starve, beat up on yourself forever, etc., etc. Be careful not to try to fix your feelings by coming up with solutions right away. This process may take an hour a day for a while.
Step 3 - Write down some of the needs that the "shoulds" are trying to motivate you to meet. Example: (For example:) The "should" - "Kelly you "should" get busy on that article." The needs (needs) - Self-expression, (self-expression) food, to protect myself from anxiety and getting my panties all in a wad by cutting it too close to the magazine deadline, attention and acknowledgement from others, etc.
Step 4 - Pick and do an action that would meet one of your needs. If you are having trouble deciding which need to pick, you might chose one that is urgent, and one that addresses the important needs for long range planning, prevention, relationship building, recreation or self development. Then feel into your body and let your body tell you which one it want to do first. If you have trouble deciding for more than five minutes, just pick one, it is not that important and it will all work out in the wash.
Step 5 - If you are having trouble deciding which step to do first, go through the list and assign an A, B, or C to them according to add the level of urgency or interest in doing each specific one. Then go back and number the A's by 1, 2, 3, etc. in order or which you'd enjoy seeing finished first, second and third. Do the same for the rest. If I pick one of the things I do not enjoy, like washing my laundreary, I like to challenge myself to find a creative way to make it fun. I have used my stop watch to try and set a new indoor world washing record, gotten someone else to do it. (I am embarrassed to admit that I have brought my portable TV into the laundreary room, or brought my favorite music or audio tapes along.) Which reminds me (Commercial Break) - Do you have my new audio tape "Songs of Compassion" or "Steps to Compassionate Communication" or "A Spirituality called Compassion"? It is great for converting a boring laundreary time into an exciting, enjoyable learning time.
If you want to get it done,
Do it with fun.
Find a way,
To make it play.
As I have slowed my "doing" down and started trying to get in touch with my "being" before acting again, my jackal mind has freaked out. "You are kidding yourself, you are just being lazy. Really you are depressed and you are just painting this noble image of existential struggle to avoid facing reality. You are wasting your time. You are really missing out on a lot of creativity, etc." Then I remember Rollo May's (Psychologist and author of many books including The Courage to Create and Love and Will) quote, "You learn to snow ski in the summer and swim in the winter." It is our times of recreation and integration that lays the foundation for soulful creation. Another metaphor is that of allowing our fields to lay fallow, barren in order to recharge the soil with the nutrients for that record crop of love and creativity.
Again it is not what I get done, it is how I get myself to do it. It is not how productive you are but how you are productive. Sure the Great Pyramid in Egypt is a great accomplishment and monument, but a monument to what? When I think of how many lashes of the whip on the backs of slaves it took, it becomes a very sad monument. I am glad that the wind is chewing it up and spiting it back into the desert. I want to protect my life from becoming a monument to my own inner slave driver. I want it to be a passionate pillar to my own longing to experience and express that most satisfying aspect of life: Love, first for self and then for others. ). Did you know that you do not even have to feel love for your self to nurture yourself? And if you can shake your "shoulds" and give to what really counts, meet your own needs, self-love will grow. We are a little like dogs. You do not have to love the dog to feed it and take care of it, but if you do these things the dog will start loving you. And once the dog starts loving you, you will not be able to resist loving it and nurturing it all the more.
"You Do not Count"
You do not count, deny yourself, that's how I was reared.
And I got so good at denying myself that myself just disappeared.
The programs in my head make me feel so dead and seldom bring a smile.
So I'd like to tune in to a different channel, but I can't seem to find the dial.
My head was filled with a million or more of those have to's, "shoulds and oughts.
So I spend all my time and energy just unraveling the knots.
I was always taught when things get bad, find someone to blame.
Philosophies like this can easily give living a bad name.
I'd like to dig my soul out of the mess I see cluttering my mind.
Because there's too much of life, too much of me I have been leaving too far behind.
By Dr. Marshall Rosenberg
A "should" is two or more wants mixed together
If I keep listening to the two or more needs behind any "should", either synergy or shift will happen. If I keep unwrapping the "should" it becomes one or more "coulds" to meet the various needs.
Example: I am talking with a young man, we will call Jerry, who had just hit one small man in the face several times and had strangled, to a certain extent, another small man and torn his shirt off. This all happened at the YMCA where I go to play basketball. After several people and I tore Jerry off his second victim, within a span of fifteen minutes, I decided to engage him in a dialogue. I was fascinated to learn about what was behind his uncontrollable anger and perhaps to learn something more about myself. I spent over two hours talking with him as we uncovered layer after layer of the thinking that was creating his rage. Of course, I knew intellectually that all anger comes from "should" thinking. I was interested in the way the anger seemed to take a life of it's own and come through as though he was possessed. I asked him, "what was that all about?" with the empathic intention to connect and not to correct or criticize. "He should not have called me a liar!!" he replied with righteous rage. He went on to explain to me how we "should not judge each other, and that he "should not have beat up on the two young men. He went on to say he should not have picked on people smaller than himself and that we should not lust after women or masturbate. Oh, now I was starting to get a clue where his rage was coming from. He explained that he actually knew better and "should not have lost his temper or even gotten angry. He told me that he "should not have done what he did because he was Catholic, but that he would be sure and go to confession. I suddenly felt a little "priestly" but resisted telling him to say three Hail Mary's and not do it again. I really felt compassion for the guy and after I listened for a long, long time I tried to explain to him that "should" is like a big pressure cooker lid, and what ever you put it on, you begin to build up pressure in that area. If you think you should not be sad, you become uncontrollably depressed. If you think you should not be scared, you'll become paranoid without being able to stop the fear thoughts. If you think you should not get angry, you will occasionally explode with rage attacks. If you think you should not feel lust, you will become obsessed with sex. Or you might do what I did - join a monastery (actually an Indian ashram), and practice chastity until I developed a stricture in my urethra. Only after I nearly had my bladder explode and had to have an emergency operation did I realize it is not nice to ‘should on’ Mother Nature. (In this case I mean Mother Nature in the form of my own sexual nature.) She will provide consequences.
He then switched subjects, and began to tell me about a problem he was having with his studies.
He explained "Any time anyone tells me what I "should" study I never end up doing it. Why do you think that is?"
Do you think you "should" study what they are saying you "should"?", I asked him. To which he replied, "Well yea."
"Then that explains to me why you are not doing it," I said.. Whenever I tell myself I "should" do something I feel so heavy and depressed that I will do anything to get away from that feeling. One way of avoiding the feeling is avoiding the thought and subject altogether. My father helped me understand this when he explained why he "forgot" to call me once for twenty five years. He told me that he frequently thought he "should" call me but then he would start feeling so guilty about not doing it, that many times he would just get drunk instead. I remember spending many hours at the University of Florida's student recreation center feeling guilty while playing pool, in rebellion of my own inner "should" screaming at me "you should be studying."
"Well, how do I get out of that tug of war and get myself to do the right thing?" he asked with amazing sincerity.
"Make being gentle with yourself as important as getting whatever it is done. Make sure what you are asking yourself to do, is really what you want to do and not just something you are afraid not to do. Wait until you hear your heart singing before you try to dance. Take the time to really listen to yourself, to both the "should" and the 'I do not want to'." I replied with amazing self clarity.
"Right now a part of me is thinking I "should" be working on my book instead of talking to you. As I am thinking about this I am teasing apart the different, apparently conflicting needs that are wrapped together in the "should"". One of my needs is to contribute to myself and the planet by making progress on the book. Another need is for stimulating conversation, which is being met by staying here and talking with you." (I could tell he liked hearing that.) As I am holding these two needs in clear focus within my awareness, ideas are starting to pop into my head like popcorn popping. (It sounded like this:) Synergy-pop, synergy-pop, synergy-pop. I could remember and write about this conversation in my book. I now can see how this conversation could be a sort of research for the book. Now I am seeing a way to get both needs met at the same time. (Feed two birds with one grain, notice the nonviolence) I am no longer stuck on what I call the request or action or solution level. I am no longer thinking:
a) Should I stay here with this conversation or
b) Should I leave and work on my book.
Just thinking about solutions keeps me stuck in a painful game of Ping-Pong power-struggle in my head as I go back and forth thinking first of one option and then of it’s mutually exclusive opposite. When I have "should" thinking, I experience conflict, which indicates a need to negotiate with myself.
Most of us have been taught that if we do what we "should", we will be loved. In other words, if we do what Mom and Dad, teacher and preacher want you to, then we will be loved. As I mentioned in a previous chapter, in German child rearing manuals, parents were taught to teach their children to "knock on the door of love through obedience." In other words, if you deny yourself and do what you "should" you will receive love in return for the loss of your self This comes from Alice Miller's book, "For Your Own Good" where she describes how Nazi's were made. What happens is that this thinking, up in our head, about what one "should" do, about what other's think is right and wrong, replaces the awareness of our own feelings and needs that exist down in our bodies.
Again Gerald Jampolsky's (Founder of the Center for Attitudinal Healing and author) question comes to me, "Do you want to be right or be happy? You can't be both." Do you want to do the right thing, what you "should" do, or what you need to do for your soul's fulfillment? Do you want to be up in your head being right or down in your body being alive? And of course, I love thinking, but only when it is in the service my needs. You cannot do what you truly want if you are wanting to live up to expectations of what someone thinks you "should" do. We all choose one or the other.
Here are some "should" scenarios. Which ones sound familiar to you?
1. Sometimes I start "shoulding" on myself about things that greatly affect my health, security or well being. This is particularly scary because the more scared I am about the health of my teeth or my financial security, for instance the more intensely I tell myself I "should" floss or call the accountant. This, of course, triggers all the more rebellion until all my teeth fall out and I have mismanaged my money so badly that I cannot afford dentures.
2. I am scared of being punished if I do not work. In other words, I am thinking I "should" do something I do not like doing, just to get paid. In this way I become a slave to my inner ""should"" and say to myself, "If you do not do things that you do not like, then you are immature." This prevents me from being able to just contribute or act out of sincere giving. I put myself in the paradoxical position of having to submit or rebel. How sad that I cannot just contribute from a place of joy.
Conditional Self Love
How sad that I will only call myself good,
If I do what I my mind tells me I should.
If I do not do what I think I should had,
I stop loving me and I tell me I am bad.
3. "Should" thinking is a form of denial. Whether I am denying the reality of my level of knowledge or wisdom as in; "I "should" have known better." Or I am denying what is as in; "This puzzle piece "should" easily fit here." For example, I had taken my copier apart a little, to see if I could fix it. As I was trying to put it back together, this very simple piece would not go back into place. I must have tried 200 times (I am a slow learner).
Each time I was thinking that this "should" just slide right back in here. I was so irritated by my '"should" thinking' that I did not seriously start looking for what might be preventing it from sliding into place for a very long time.
Finally, I came out of denial and considered that maybe, just maybe, there was something in the way of the piece sliding back together. Maybe I needed to align myself with the laws of physics instead of insisting that those laws cooperate with my '"should" thinking'. It was much easier to get the piece in once I had done that. Once I started looking at what was happening instead of what "should" be happening, life got easier.
As I look back on my little struggle, I wondered "What was so frustrating?" I was not frustrated on the first, second, or even third time I tried to get it back in. Why not? I was not frustrated because I had not started thinking '"should"' yet.
4..I once managed a group home for "rebellious teens" and had an employee I thought "should" be doing the dishes instead of reading magazines and sitting around. Whenever I would finally '"should"' her into doing the dishes she would get even by putting on a long face and only doing the minimum basic requirements for the job. She would cut corners when I was not looking, and was forever "forgetting" many of her responsibilities. She had a depressed energy about her and when I was not hounding her, she laid on the couch, watching reruns of ‘The Edge of Night’ and ate Cheetos a lot. As I look back on it I see how I had manifested externally the soap opera that was constantly playing in my head. My employee had the role of my inner rebellious teenager and I was playing the part of my inner "shoulding parent." Her being depressed, laying on the couch, and eating Cheetos was exactly what I did when I was not at work trying to make her do her work. It is embarrassing to admit but we even ate the same brand of Cheetos
5.I am a recovering chronic '"shouldaholic" and really cannot handle my "shoulds". If I indulge in even one "should" I cannot stop. So, whenever I feel an urge to "should" coming on, I like to stop dead in my tracks and wait for it to pass. If I start thinking, "It is okay. One little '"should"' will not hurt you," I know I need help, quick. I should either call my "should" sponsor, who refuses to tell me what I should do no matter how much I beg him or I try to find some sort of SA meeting.
6. I have a clear vision and a strong desire to write this book. As soon as I remember that I have this passionate dream, these anxious powerful voices in my head start saying, "You have to get to work on it. If you hesitate, you will procrastinate." Sometimes the stronger I feel the urge to write the book, the stronger comes the fear thought that I will not. The fear is the basic distrust that parents and teachers instilled in me which says basically ‘you are lazy’ and the only way you will do anything is if some outside authority comes in with the cracker (cookie or reward) or the smaker (paddle or punishment). The urge to create emerges in me, it does not match this programmed image I have of myself as being lazy which creates an inner uncertainty and conflict. I then go up to my head and start thinking about what I ‘should’ do according to my social programming, which always tells me I ‘should’ be productive. This is how a ‘want’ becomes a ‘should.’
Procrastination is living under the tyranny of the "should", then rebelling against it by avoiding the whole subject.
7. Sometimes I think I ‘want’ to be doing some fun creative thing like painting but I do not because I think I "should" do this other unpleasant, productive thing like writing this book first. This is kind of like the idea of having to eat your peas before your dessert. So before I learned to ‘shake the shoulds’, I would chose to do neither and watch boring reruns of "Father Knows Best" instead. This is partly why it has taken me fifteen years to finish this book.
Then my big willful parental ego steps in to "settle the dispute." It says, "Look, the only way this book is going to get finished is if I make you do it!" This, of course, stimulates a whole new set of fears. There is a sinking, dreadful, I just swallowed-a-cannon-ball feeling that reminds me of when my aunt used to call us in from playing in the yard, to eat supper. My little inner child would scream, "No, no, do not make me leave this sweet, safe, swirling world of "make believe" to enter the cacophony of complaining, commanding and criticizing you call the "real") world of supper with the family." It is like being in that sweet netherworld between sleeping and waking and the beautiful, sexy Polynesian girls are leading you by the hand back to their secret grass hut. But then the phone rings and the answer machine picks up and starts squawking, "I know you are there sleeping, you lazy bum, pick up the phone, its your mother-in-law and I found a job for you at the sewage treatment plant, if they will take you." I hated coming in from playing. I hated the real world. The first time I realized this was when I was three years old. I was hiding under a dining room chair at my grandmother's house at Thanksgiving, dreading the prospect of having to be around the sound, presence, energy and feeling of big people. When I would finally come out they would start playing with me by poking, pinching, scrubbing their knuckles on my head and various other violations of my being and body that they seemed to believe I enjoyed.
From Procrastination to Creation
Of course, if my focus becomes how to get myself to do what I "should", I will run into the same dynamic I would in any relationship. If my focus is solely on getting what one part of me wants with no real empathy for what the other part of me needs, one part will sense the demand and the other part will immediately resist taking any action. I put myself into inner conflict. I am torn and tortured.
As soon as I reassure myself that I care for my whole self and all my parts including my needs for recreation, productivity, nurturance, rest, self expression, financial security etc., by being can let go of the fear and focus all it’s attention on solving the problem of how to meet as many of my needs as possible.
"Should" destroys my childlike spontaneity. A child never thinks I '"should"' play. I am up in my head coming from my ego, my adult, and thinking there is a separation between my child and my adult. That is fear. I need to empathize with my fear until I am clear, until my "should" becomes a "want" - until "clarity finds me. It does not help to sit and think ‘I should clear this fear.’ I can only hold the intention to be with, listen to, sit beside, hold acceptingly, and face the fear and clarity is the by product. I choose to let go of trying to know the truth and allow truth to know me.
Thinking in terms of what one "should" do can be an escape from taking responsibility for one’s choices. It also prevents one from developing a true empathy for others which is the source of a spiritual conscience. Thinking that one should rely on "should" thinking for moral guidance expresses a basic distrust of the individual and that individual’s free will or autonomy. It is this basic distrust of the human being’s nature that many components of our culture are constantly reinforcing.
One example are the teachers who reward us for being good, or for studying, as if we need the coercion to counteract our natural tendency to be bad and to hate learning.
The idea that human beings are naturally bad, lazy and evil partly stems from certain politicians who made a power grab many years ago and invented the concept of ‘original sin’ by twisting Bible stories into propaganda. Riane Eisler in her wonderful book ‘Sacred Pleasure’ says that religious historian Elaine Pagels suggests that the Christian Saint Augustine did a radical reinterpretation of the biblical story of Adam, Eve, and the Fall. Augustine decided that the Fall from Paradise was caused by woman and made sex, the human body and human being irreversibly corrupt. Moreover the acts of sex and birth are God’s eternal punishment of every woman and man for this "original sin." This original sin condemns women to be ruled by men, and men in turn to be ruled by higher authorities. In other words they all are for this lifetime condemned to do what societal authorities say they "should" as punishment.
This was great for all the priests, emperors and popes as it gave them all the divine authority and power over everyone. (See Dominican priest Mathew Fox’s book ‘Original Blessings’ for the specific details, history and politics of this coup.) Of course this is what every tyrant and bully does. They decide that they know better than you do what ‘should’ be happening. This basic disrespect for the sacredness of the individual’s autonomy is passed down from one generation to the next in a Dominator Culture. It is passed down by parents, teachers, employer’s and all individuals who misuse their power and authority to shame, guilt or scare others into doing what they ‘should.’ "Coercive teachers are the rule, not the exception, in our schools," said William Glasser M.D., the originator of Reality Therapy of our American school system.
These factors work together to erode empathy for each other and awareness of our own feelings, needs, dreams, desires, and direction. What psychiatrist Karen Horney M.D. called the "tyranny of the should" has robbed most of us of our most central spiritual value – autonomy. In his book "The Schools our Children Deserve" Alfie Kohn dramatically describes the importance of autonomy. "Autonomy is not simply one value among many that children should acquire, nor is it simply one technique for helping them grow into good people. In the final analysis, none of the virtues, including generosity and caring, can be successfully promoted in the absence of choice.
A jarring reminder of that fact was provided by the following declaration made by a man whose name is (or should be) familiar to most of us. He recalled being "taught that my highest duty was to help those in need" but added that this was taught in the context of the importance of ‘obeying promptly the wishes and commands of my parents, teachers, and priests, and indeed of all adults… Whatever they said was always right.’ The man who said this was Rudolf Hess, the infamous commandant of Auschwitz. Prosocial values are important, but if the environment in which they are taught emphasizes obedience rather than autonomy, all may be lost."
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I want a morality based on a value of nurturing each other instead of a morality based on trying to avoid "should", shame or guilt. (I would like to live in a world where people value nurturing each other rather than trying to avoid the shame, self hate and guilt that "should" creates.) No one can be generous from '"should"' energy.
A "should" suggests that there is a separation between my will and the sweet flor of life. The should suggests a duality – that there are two. Fred Alan Wolf, Ph.D., phyusicist, author of "Taking the Quantum Leap", and winner of the American Book Award, told me that in order to have "resistance" there needs to be two opposing forces. Without the appearance of two, there can be no resistance – and hence no conflict. I want to sit with my fear until I remember that there is only one. He told me this at Deepak Chopra’s Center in San Diego, where he had been invited to speak to a group of workshop participants. The funny thing is that Deepak Chopra’s Staff had scheduled me as the speaker for that group until there appeared to be two speakers – Fred Alan Wolf, Ph.D., and me, Kelly J. Bryson. The reason I wrote this is partly because I just want to see my name, Fred Alan Wolf, Ph.D., and Deepak Chopra’s name in the same sentence. The other reason is to celebrate that I experienced no conflict or resistance at being bumped by Dr. Wolf. I felt elated to be one of the molecules he was bumping into. I felt one with this cosmically comical character he calls "Quantum Man". He was so delightfully playful that he gave me hope for science after all. I asked him after the program how quantum physics explains the existence of playfulness. The prankster answered, "Maybe it can’t, but maybe playfulness could explain the existence of quantum physics." Another man listening on said, "But did not Einstein say that ‘God doesn’t play dice?" Graciously, Dr. Wolf explained that Einstein meant that every cause has an effect and vice versa, and that the Universe is not really a crap shoot, but follows principles. I playfully piped in, "Well, maybe God does play dice, but the Universe is his craps table…and he knows how the dice will turn up.
"Should" obscures or hides deeper needs. Once these needs are uncovered it is easier for decisions, even difficult decisions, to make you. I try never to make decisions. I try to clarify my needs until decisions make me.
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The Danger of Deserve
My family taught me that I do not deserve anything and I felt shame and depression. My new age friends tell me I do deserve everything, so now I am angry that I do not have stuff. Thanks guys, now I have two belief barriers to overcome in order to allow success or love into my life.
I want to go beyond deserve to I Choose to have.
You do not deserve. - That’s right! And quit trying to Deserve. If we bring into our consciousness the concept of deserve then we also bring in the concept of "Do not Deserve".
Thinking I "Do deserve" can stimulate anger in you. Why? Because if you do deserve something, you should have it, right? And of course should thinking always makes us angry and is a form of denial of reality.
Thinking I ‘Do not Deserve" can stimulate feelings of shame, guilt or fear.
I want to receive abundantly not because ‘I deserve’ but because the truth is I want it and chose to give it to myself. I chose not to go up into my head to debate and theosophically theorize about whether I deserve it or not.
To say that someone deserves x,y or z implies that they have done something "to deserve". For example, if you say to someone "You deserve abundance" the implication is that they merit abundance because they have paid their dues. What about the idea that "it rains on the just and the unjust" i.e. the deserving and the undeserving. What about the possibility that abundance is there for the taking. Certainly this would make more sense to the eye because if you look around a lot of very violent despotic people with disgusting values many have lots more fame, fortune and family than the "good" deserving people.
I am concerned that we project onto the universe our anthropomorphic experience of our families where the rule was "You knock on the door of being given to through obedience." We believe there is conditionality to the universe, just like there was in our families. We have trouble imagining that the universe is unconditionally giving to us. We think we have to deserve first or at least believe we deserve first, before we are willing to receive.
It is a fun new age religious trap to believe "As soon as I can believe I deserve I will receive. If I am not receiving as much as I want, it’s proof that I believe I do not deserve." It’s easy to get stuck in this "wheel of misfortune". Maybe the universe is waiting for you to let go of the idea of deserve and do not deserve so you can be open to receiving. What if you could get tired of wrestling with whether you deserve or not and be humble enough to acknowledge you do not know? What if you could acknowledge that you just want x,y or z, whether you think you deserve it or not. Maybe then you could take responsibility for choosing it or not.
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I have been stuck in the stage of thinking "Look at that teacher or workshop leader, look at the crowds they are drawing. Their stuff is not nearly as good as mine. They do not deserve that kind of recognition." The jealousy and hurt I felt about others getting more than they deserve contributes to a kind of moral righteous superiority. "At least I am not getting more than I deserve." What I didn’t know until now is that nobody is really keeping track of any of that ‘deserve stuff’ anyway. So it doesn’t really matter to the universe whether you get more or less than your idea of what you deserve. But it does make a big, big difference to you what you are willing to ask for. If you are feeling jealous of anyone in this world it is probably because you are not asking fully for what you want.
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A Field of Diamond Dreams
I once dreamed that there is a field of diamonds with different kinds of people in it. There are those who are scared with voracious appetites picking up and hoarding hundreds of diamonds desperately trying, but never succeeding at filling the holes in their souls. There are those who are like little children never questioning whether they deserve the diamonds or not but simply surrender to their own natural fascination with the sparkling rocks. They pick them up put some in their pockets, share other with their child-like friends in a fearless celebration of the wonder of the world. Then there are those who are intrigued by the wonder but can’t find the flexibility to bend over and humbly reach down to pick up the diamonds. Others do not go for the wonder, they only forever wonder what they should go for. Then there are those who do not go for the "wonder" but instead wonder whether they deserve it or not. They are caught in the paralysis of philosophical analysis. Scared to receive without first thinking they deserve or have somehow earned the right to receive.
I like being aware that there’s nothing to achieve.
Life’s a gift I have only to receive.
From a song by Ruth Bebemeyer
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Politicians and criminals both say that the bad guys "got what they deserved". It is ironic though that they are often talking ABOUT EACH OTHER.