If
you don’t have time to read this, you should convert to
My New Religion - Non-Rush’n Unorthodox
Another important part of evolving my selfishness is developing a more hedonistic relationships with time. I have not been getting all my needs met in my relationship with time and now choose to be more assertive about them. The primary need I have is to enjoy my time.
And I am going to take my time as I write this piece. Why? Because I have been a-Rush’n (rushing) most all my life and I’m bone tired. Rushing to get through school, rushing to build a private practice, rushing to find someone to love. All so that I could stop rushing and relax. What I am discovering is that my mind always finds something more to rush about. Now my mind wants me to hurry up and write this book. My mind says "Then I’ll let you have some peace." Well I have finally named that voice for the sneaky serpent it is. Yes, I have finally seen the light, praise God and I’ve become a born again Non-Rush’n Unorthodox. (Or maybe I should call it "The Church of the Later in the Day Saints) In my religion there is only one sin –"To rush". It is moral to move at great speeds, but not to rush. In fact the faster you are moving the more dangerous it is to rush. But there is a big difference between rushing and moving at the speed needed to achieve your goal.
A couple of weeks ago I was driving to a workshop I was to give in Los Angeles. I had started out forty five minutes after I would have liked because I was rushing around trying to get allot of things done before I left. The workshop was to start at three p.m. and at my present rate of speed, sixty five mph, I figured I would be arriving at three forty five p.m. (Notice I did not say I would be forty five minutes to an hour late. That’s because ‘late’ is a four letter word for a Non-Rush’n Unorthodox. In Non-Rush’n Seminary Schools it is a debate of phenomenological proportions as to whether ‘late’ even has existential existence. Sure some people arrive at meetings after other people wanted them to. But we have to have cultural collusion between at least two people to agree that someone is late. ‘Late’ has no independent existence. Therefore a Non-Rush’n Unorthodox is never late. Late is a cultural abstraction. In some cultures late does not exist and there are great differences about what late is between other cultures. For example when I held workshops for psychologists at the University of Belgrade, in Serbia, the workshop would be scheduled to start at six p.m. and no one would even start showing up until nine p.m. I am glad I didn’t think of them as being late or else I would have been furious. I did however suffer a little culture shock.)
Because I had not yet been truly saved from the evils of rushing, I was completely wrapped up in the coils of that serpent anxiety as I sped toward LA. As I imagined the people at the workshop angrily tapping there feet and looking at there watches, I felt the sickening serge of adrenaline rise in my stomach as my foot would lunge forward on the gas. Then I would look up into the rear view mirror and hallucinate someone’s roof top luggage rack into a police car’s blue flashing light and quickly back off the accelerator. I was caught between the braking effect of the fear of getting yet another speeding ticket and the accelerating effect of the anxiety of being late. Just then an enchanting song came on the radio and for just a moment I lost track of the two pendulums of peril I was caught between. As soon as the song ended I noticed the pull of my thoughts, out the window of my car, down I-5 and into the room of what I imagined would be, angry waiting seminar participants. The familiar feeling of anxious doom rose it’s ugly head as I visualized them walking out of the room in disgust. As soon as I returned my mind’s eye to the trees on the side of the road, the shiny red truck in the next lane and to my present thoughts about how interesting this all is, I could feel the swell of anxiety recede. Wow, if I could just keep my thoughts and visualizing inside the car, I felt a lot better. Moving through space in a car is like traveling through time. To the degree I could keep my attention on things I could presently have control over, things that were inside the car, the radio, AC, my thoughts, I felt peaceful. As my mind tried to cross bridges it had not yet come to and do it’s suffering ahead of time, I felt miserable. Could old Ram Dass have been right with all that "Be Here Now" stuff?
Because I had been so focused on "being here now" for most of the drive, when I did arrive forty five minutes after the time my seminar was scheduled, I arrived with presence (meaning that I arrived without fear, guilt, or thoughts of the past or future but with confidence and awareness of what was called for in the moment.) I am glad I did arrive with presence because as I walked into the classroom to do my seminar three fourths of the participants groaned with disappointment. It was a group of Latino high school students who were not happy about being forced to attend a seminar on Nonviolent Communication(sm) and also seemed upset about the time I was arriving. So I asked "How many of you are pissed off about the time I am arriving?" Three honest souls raise their hands.
I point to one toughest looking young man of the three and ask "What is it about my coming at three forty five instead of three that pisses you off?"
"Well, it’s like this," he says as he pulls his hands out from under his arms and starts to make exaggerated gang gestures "adults think that kid’s time doesn’t matter. It’s like all that’s important is adults time and f__k the kids."
"So you are pissed off because you would have liked your time respected?" I asked.
"Yea, man," he answered with satisfaction.
"And what about you?" I pointed the one girl who had raised her hand.
"Like nobody even bothered to tell us shit, like it don’t matter" she protested in her thick Latino accent.
"Yea, you would have at least liked to have been told what the hold up was?" I empathized.
And so the dialogue went for about twenty minutes much to the fascination of the rest of the students in the classroom. After I had empathized with each student to their satisfaction I asked them if they would like to hear what had caused me to arrive at three forty five. Some seemed interested so I briefly explained about all the anxiety and overwhelm and fear that was going on in my life and how I had gotten caught up, rushing around trying to get on top of it and left San Diego much later than I wanted to.
One young man was able to empathize in his own way, "yea I am like that in finals week where I am so scared about getting all this studying done that I am late to the test, which really screws me up."
This was the beginning of my conversion. I saw the uselessness and pain of projecting myself into the future. But what about planning and preparing for the future you say. I want to make a distinction between anxiety provoking, catastrophic thinking related to rushing and other more productive kinds of thinking I might call planning, preparing or analyzing a problem.
For example I factored in the flow of traffic, weighed the risk of getting a speeding ticket, estimated how much earlier I would get there if I drove seventy instead of sixty five. Then I preformed what felt like a powerful act of self care. I moved my cruise control from sixty five to seventy. Some of you may say, now wait a minute aren’t you starting to rush now? No I am not. Rushing is a state of consciousness not a particular external action. I can walk at my top speed and not be rushing and I can walk at half my top speed and be totally caught up in the raging ravages of the river of rushing. (Rivers, by the way do not rush! I have talked with them and they told me. …and they resent the anthropomorphic accusation.)
The great learning theorist, Piaget, says that all learning is a series of key differentiations. Refining our discrimination allows us more choices and more effective choices. Planning for and doing acts of preparation must be differentiated from beating the worry drums, worry, worry...worry, worry... about the future, hoping to keep the evil spirits of misfortune away. Worrying is an abandonment of oneself. When I worry I lose awareness of my present needs and possible nurturing actions I could take for myself. I leave myself behind as my imagination takes me into an unreal, unnecessary and unhealthy future. Converting anxiety into actions to address the future is being a good parent to oneself. Here is a traveling tip from Triple A. "One Antidote for Anxiety is Action"
The power of taking action is that it begins to return you to the present by giving you feedback from your environment which can help you relocate you center, your self or what is sometimes called "the flow". Eckhart Tolle confirms this idea when he says "Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it is no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing. Is fear preventing you from taking action? Acknowledge the fear, watch it, take your attention into it, be fully present with it. Doing so cuts the link between the fear and your thinking. Don’t let the fear rise up into your mind. Use the power of the Now. Fear cannot prevail against it."
SECTION 2, URGENCY & ADDICTION Stephen Covey, in his book "First Things First" talks about being addicted to anxiety and urgency. He says there are true emergencies like when a fireman goes to a fire. This is one reason people become firemen is for the excitement and the sense of importance and purpose. But then there is getting all caught up in the everyday rat race of ringing phones and dreaded deadlines, all this fueled by fears of having enough and surviving. This kind of urgency produces the same kind of adrenaline we need for real life and death emergencies. Perhaps our longing for this sense of purpose and importance keeps us creating urgencies. After all if you are rushing around doing urgent things, don’t you look and feel more important?
If I have a cell phone, pager, voice mail, web site, palm top, lap top and email that means my time is sought after and therefore I am valuable. Maybe if I rush around fast enough I can stay ahead of that Edgar Allen Poe ghost voice that says "You’re wasting your time, you’re not getting ahead, you are going to die with great weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth because you blew it!" What a nightmare! No, No, No, stop it all! Wake up!
See the light and become a Non-Rush’n Unorthodox. Convert from a fear (fantasized experiences appearing real) based attitude of hustling for food to a self caring based on tending the garden of your life.
Take Time by Patty Zeitlin
MAYBE THERE IS REALLY NO SUCH THINK AS TIME, BABY
MAYBE THERE IS REALLY NO SUCH TINKG AS TIME, MAYBE,
TICKETY-TOCK, WE’VE INVENTED THE CLOCK, WE’VE GOT TIME, OR DO WE?
TICKETY-TOCK, WE’VE INVENTED THE CLOCK, WE’VE GOT TIME.
Take time, to smell the flowers,
Take time, to look at the stars, Take time to feel the rain on your face,
Give up the race and take time.
Take time, to write a letter,
Take time, to visit a friend.
Take time to learn a song that you like.
Take time. It’s yours to spend.
Take time to walk and wander.
Take time for life’s mysteries.
Take time to follow through on your dreams,
No matter how crazy it seems, take time.
Take time, if you remember,
Take time in every day,
Take time to care for all that you love.
There is plenty of time,
But it slips away….
One way to start is to put your serenity first and refuse to rush. As I said before this does not preclude you moving as fast as you need to get to places at the time you want to. It does require you to focus on being gentle with yourself, trusting that there is enough time, and giving time to what is really important like prioritizing, planning, preparing, prevention and care of the soul.
SECTION 3, URGENCY & FEAR "But what about when you really do need to hurry, like when you are late for an appointment?" you ask. Believe it or not you still have real choices available to you. You could for example follow my example. Recently I was running late for an appointment with an editor and started to panic. You know that feeling where you look at the clock and realize that even if you are able to break the land speed record, you will still be at least ten minutes late, that is if the parachute on your car opens so you don’t overshoot your target. I sometimes have that paralyzed octopus amputee feeling, where I have eight things I need to do first, and in perfect prioritized order, but I only have two arms left. Most of my brain cells were busy processing catastrophic contingencies, like what if the editor gets insulted and fires me, or worse, she keeps me but decides to take it out on me over then years by sabotaging my writing, etc., etc. In this state of near brain death, I was not very surprised when I locked my car keys in my office, in my hurry to get out the door. I am sure you have your own similar story to tell. Everybody agrees that haste makes waste. But then why is rushing still so popular? I think it is because it appears to pay. It looks like you really do get to work a few minutes earlier than you would have, and that your boss is three percent less angry with you than she would have been. But what if you could get the same payoff at lower cost. What if you could walk into your workplace with an aura of peace and presence that would inspire connection instead of criticism? Because unexpressed fear often appears to other people as an expression of guilt or aggression, it can elicit criticism. So when you walk into your office filled with anxiety caused by rushing around you are not only more vulnerable to criticism you are more likely to get it. It is similar to the attack dog that smells fear in someone and is inspired to bite them.
SECTION 4, SPIRITUAL RELATIONSHIP TO TIMEOpra asked Scott Peck "How do you find the time to do all that you do. You are a best selling author of several books, the director of the Foundation for Community Encouragement, lecturer, therapist, and husband. How do you do it?" Scott says "I spend allot of time each day doing nothing." And Archbishop Desmund Tutu, said "I have so much I want to do today I better spend another hour in prayer." How appropriate that he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
When I’m rushing I have outrun my soul. Like those cartoon where the character gets scared and takes off running so fast he leave his shoes (soles and all) behind. So one of the first important steps to becoming a Non-Rush’n Orthodox is to repent and feel the sorrow of your sins. How sad that you and I have lived in so much fear all our lives. Always running like the scared rabbit in Alice in Wonderland: "I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date!" How sad that we have not noticed the cost our addiction to urgency has on our lives. What a cost to our creativity, productivity and efficiency! How sad that I did not take the time to take in what my Pennsylvania Dutch uncle told me many years ago, "The hurrieder you go the behinder you get".
Then once we are in touch with the painful cost of rushing, and are really grieving, then we are ready to receive the 1st (and only) Commandment in the Non-Rush’n Unorthodox Religion.
Actually the Cardinals (and by Cardinals I don’t mean the ones at the Vatican that have to put on red suits. I mean real ones that already have red suits on and wings and feathers. I meet and meditate with these cardinals every morning for breakfast. They eat the birdseed that I put out and I eat toast and drink coffee and write.) and I are thinking about adding another sin/Commandment to the list:
It would be OK to have a full schedule of pleasurable or satisfying activities, but not to cross the line into the sacrilege of busy-ness.
But be careful not to skip over the repenting part because
It takes allot of grieving
To be open to receiving.
Receiving what? The Kingly luxury of realizing that there is never a need to rush. You never saw Yul Brenner the King of Siam rush. No, he took big slow steps across the stage as he pondered life and love’s deepest complexities, etc, etc, etc. No the world waited on him!
SECTION 5, CELEBRACY It takes commitment and consciousness to maintain my vow of Celebracy. (All us priests in the Non-Rushin Unorthodox religion take a vow of Celebracy to stay in celebration of the present moment – NOW.) I broke my vow recently while waiting in line at the movie theatre. It was a very long line and they had one ticket window open with one blond eighteen year old looking girl working it. The temptation was so great and I felt so justified. In my moment of weakness I began to indulge in the fornication of agitation. "Why don’t they open another window? It’s because they know we are over a barrel and they are too greedy and cheap to pay another five-dollars-an- hour-employeeto work." I can really work myself up in these situations. When I notice I am losing control I can regain control by surrendering to the loss of control. It is kind of like when your car goes into a skid on an icy road. They tell you to turn toward the slide. Since I am indulging in righteousness anyway I sometimes take control by adding fuel to the fire of my aggravation with thoughts of annihilation. "So you corporate communists at Mann Theatres think you’re the man. I’ll show you who’s the Man". So now my mind is really out of control. What am I feeling? Furious! What’s under that? Powerlessness and fear. What are the needs related to the powerlessness and fear? I want to be able to have some control in the situation to be able to effect it or somehow take care of my needs in the situation. What are the needs? To value my time. Now that I have my mind focused in need language instead of justifiable murderous mental masturbation I can begin to problem solve by looking for ways to meet my present needs and/or learn from the situation to protect myself better in the future. This also meets my present need to make valuable use of my time right now by engaging in problem solving. "Maybe I could take advantage of this opportunity to network. Ann Boe, the author of Is Your Net Working, got on the Donahue show by networking in a few seconds while she was waiting for an elevator to open. Also next time I go to a movie or the DMV, or the doctor’s office, or any where I might have to wait I am going to bring either a book or a writing tablet." It is really a joy these days to be able to keep my vow of Celebracy, by bringing a book along to read or notebook to write in. While everyone else at line in the bank is consumed with sweating the small stuff, I am celebrating that I am not.
SECTION 6, HOW-TO’sEvery distressing thought or situation is an opportunity to perfect my selfishness and figure out how to either get what I want or want what I am getting. I cannot do this if I am not accepting what is happening and/or if I am up in my head judging, analyzing or fearfully fantasizing. I need to notice what I am feeling, which will help me get conscious of what I am needing so I can decide whether to accept, assert my needs, or abandon the situation. (Again notice the clever triple A)
When I'm rushing it's like I'm in a bad dream. Somehow I'm behind in some race for my life and I can never quite seem to catch up, yet the race goes on and on. Sometimes the dream is filled with paranoia that something is chasing me. What? The fear of wasting my precious time or is it simply death? I'm really afraid of being caught up in fear. The fear that makes me rush is a fantasy image I'm holding in my mind. Or as Stan Dale calls it, "fear is the dark room in which you develop your negatives."
For me the image I am holding is one of me either "Not having enough time", "running out of time", "missing an important opportunity", or creating some kind of catastrophic consequences for myself". It has always been because I am projecting some painful outcome into the future.
A new technique I've been using lately is when I catch myself having that rushing feeling, I speed up. Yes I speed up. I've found it takes more concentration to do things faster, which makes it more difficult to think about other things, like future fear fantasies. For example I am washing dishes and if I notice I am rushing I will decide to really concentrate on being really careful not to break any but also become more efficient with each movement. Gradually I increase the speed and see how focussed and efficient I can be without clanging or breaking dishes. This helps to bring me back into the present where no rushing rushnecks live.
And to be a Non-Rush’n devotee, each time you catch yourself rushing you will want to design your own wake up call/reminder. When I am walking somewhere or just puttering around the house and I notice that queasy anxiety in my shoulders that lets me know I am starting to rush, I stop and sing myself two bars from the song that goes:
I like being aware that there is nothing to achieve.
Life’s a gift I have only to receive. By Ruth Bebemeyer
The rest of the song is worth writing too:
And I want to stay in touch with life’s sweet flow,
And spread loving waves where ever I go.
I want everything I say or do,
To bring strength, warmth, and light to you.
Some final thoughts:
I am thinking about doing some evangelical outreach for my new religion and perhaps target some very important particular sinners like Mario Andretti of NASCAR racing fame. I am not even sure that he rushes (just because you are driving One Hundred Seventy miles per hour doesn’t necessarily mean you are rushing) but it would be great publicity for my new religion.
* * *
"Getting caught in a Game of Rushin’ Roulette"
1. Yesterday you were caught in rush hour traffic so you didn’t stop for gas. Today your going to be late for work if you stop for gas and desperately late if you don’t stop for gas and run out.
* * *
I really hate to label people, much less invent new labels, but this was too tempting:
You might be a Rushneck if:
SECTION 7, CONCLUSIONS
* * *
Take the time. Take the time.
You’re neither fast nor slow.
Take the time. Take the time.
Because it’s yours you know.
What’s the worry? What’s the hurry?
You’re missing the moment now.
Just slow down. Look around.
Trust shows the way and how.
Don’t pedal faster, ‘cause what you’re after
It’s in the scenery, that’s all around.
Just slow down, look around. It’s waiting to take you in.
I want to change my goal from getting there
To enjoying myself every where.
Along the way, learn to stay
Fully engaged in each day.
It’s a cosmic joke this thing called ambition.
To enjoy myself is my new mission.
I want to know what the sparrow knows.
Doesn’t worry ‘bout food or clothes.
He just accepts what he is given.
Doesn’t worry about mak’en a liven.
Just keeps singing out his sweet song.
‘Bout livin fully all day long.
Take the time. Take the time.
You’re neither fast nor slow.
Take the time. Take the time.
Because it’s yours you know.
By Kelly Bryson
Money Fears - A Heart Dis-EASE
Lions and tigers and bills, oh my.
Lions and tigers and bills, oh my.
Fear about having enough money is like cholesterol. Cholesterol clogs the arteries until the heart is working very hard just to supply a survival level of blood flow. When I am carrying the burden of money fear I work very hard just to get by.
Money Fear is a Heart Attack. It attacks the heart of our trust in nature/life. It can cripple us into a self fulfilling prophecy of financial paralysis, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.
"Money is like an arm or a leg - use it or lose it." Henry Ford
The Heart is the same way, if I do not use my heart I will lose heart. That is sometimes called depression. (As in the Great Financial Depression of ‘32) I was experiencing this loss of heart and total anxiety about money when a mentor of mine, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Director of the International Centers for Nonviolent Communication(sm), said to me "Kelly so many of your students tell me how deeply their lives have changed after working with you. Can’t you see that you are serving life, and therefore life will take care of you? It is like in the Bible when it says ‘If you asked your father for some bread would he give you a stone?’". That helped for a while but then the fear and distrust crept back in because I had not healed from the trauma of certain childhood realities. It was unfamiliar (not a part of my family experience) to feel secure. Up until the state social workers put us in foster homes when I was seven, if I ate, often my brothers and sister literally went hungry.
This experience triggered a loss of trust in the abundance and safety of my world. The anxiety created by the loss of trust either paralyzes you so your financial world starts to cave in on you, or it just kind of numbs you out into a la la limbo land of low grade depression and meaninglessness. And from the state of depression it is a long way back to creativity and productivity. However there is a short cut, and that is to give up looking for short cuts and start practicing principles of TRUE giving and receiving.
I never feel more given to than when you take from me.
When you understand the joy I feel caring for you.
And you know my giving is not done to put you in my debt,
But because I want to live the love I feel for you.
To receive with grace may be the greatest giving,
There is no way I can separate the two.
When you give to me I give you my receiving,
And when you take from me I feel so given to.
Ruth Bebermeyer
The Course in Miracles says that giving and receiving are the same thing. And I believe they are related in the way breathing out is related to breathing in. Stagnicity (The spell checker on my computer tells me that I just invented another new word) occurs when the fear of giving out, stops the return flow of receiving in. Giving from the Heart, to ourselves or others is a great Exlax for financial constipation. Giving out of obligation, duty, fear or shame is the great constipator. When stagnicity occurs there are a couple of ways to get the pump primed and flowing again. One is to allow ourselves to really be given to, the other is to allow ourselves to really give to other people. Either way can get the flow going again. It is a type of psychofinancial (another new word) CPR, (That’s Compassionate Presence Resuscitation) Here is an example of this type of CPR from my own life.
Just a few weeks ago I had fallen prey to and was worshipping the god ‘ANXIETY’. Everything I was doing was motivated by the fear of running out of money and becoming a homeless person. Suddenly shopping carts were starting to look good to me. Especially those huge oversized rad red plastic ones at Home Depot with the really smooth, straight ride on wheels that do not wobble. It is ironic that the stimulus for this sudden attack of survival/money anxiety was my buying a big beautiful home on a big nice lot. Images of ghosts and goblins of jackbooted government agents swooping down on me like at Ruby Ridge, seizing every thing because I had defaulted on my mortgage. The Wicked Witch of Wells Fargo Bank is screaming at me from atop of my refrigerator "I am going to get that new house and that little relationship of yours too. Ha! Ha! Haaaa! " I wish I had remembered to take some time out to play myself this song:
When the only money that you’ve got is money that you’ve had to borrow,
And the gas company’s going to turn the gas off if you do not pay your bill by tomorrow.
And you tell your woman and kids, things’ll get better any day
But you can tell by the look on their faces, they do not believe a word you say.
When you’re over forty and your dreams for thirty still haven’t come true
And everybody is making it, everybody in the world but you.
And your friends read the Wallstreet Journal and all of their stocks advance.
While you sit thumbing through the Want Ads just praying for any little chance.
That’s when I want to remember that losing at a money making game,
Doesn’t mean I am worthless or that failure is my name.
By Dr. M. Rosenberg
I was in the middle of my frantic flurry of less than efficient money making activities when I got the message that a client from L.A. who had called me. I quickly called her back hoping she was wanting to schedule an appointment which would provide me with some money. It turns out that she was in crises because she had just been fired from her job of twenty five years. As she continued talking about her anxiety and panic about how she was going to survive financially, I began to notice a gnawing twisting uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I tried to just cope with it inside myself, but the longer she talked the more irritated I felt. I tried to understand where the stress was coming from by listening to what my inner Jackals (my inner critical voices) were saying to me: "I can’t believe I am wasting my precious time to listen to someone else’s money problems for free! Worse than that I am paying for this long distance call. I am a licensed psychotherapist. I am supposed to be getting paid for this." I started thinking she should intuit my need to get off the phone or get paid for the time without my having to speak up for myself. Now there is a formula for resentment and poverty, believing that other people should assert my needs for me and waiting for it to happen. Then I remembered one of the maxims I am always telling others to follow in my workshops. "Only give when it is from your Heart. And never listen to one more word than you want to hear. To do so is violence to the relationship with self and the other."
"Jane" I started hesitatingly and awkwardly, "I am aware that you are in a lot of panic and crises right now, however I need to talk about what’s going on with me, OK? I am feeling some irritation and fear and I am not really clear what it is about." I felt better immediately just saying that much.
"I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you. I am terribly sorry" she said with the embarrassment that comes from thinking you’ve done something wrong and that your needs are burdens to others.
"No I am not in judgment of you. It is more to do with my own fears about money right now".
" Oh do you want me to reassure you I am going to pay you for this call?" she said with some anxiety and embarrassment in her voice.
I was touched by her offer and it helped me become aware that I had a choice. To give from my heart or ask her to give to me. I also was able to see how my fear that there was not going to be enough money for me, was preventing me from enjoying the opportunity to give my attention to her. I remembered a time years ago when I was in a lot of anxiety about money and I went to a counselor, the wonderful Rev. Albert Bowes of Cassadega, Fla., for some support. At the end of the session the counselor told me I need not pay this time. I remembered how grateful and relieved and touched I had been by the gift of his compassion.
I was really tired of the fear that was robbing me of the precious experience of giving that kind of a gift to another who needed it. Finally it became clear for me that I wanted to give her my time/presence because I knew how grateful and relieved she would be. I came to a crossroads within myself. Do I want to trust that if I feel like giving something from my heart I will still survive financially? Or do I chose to believe in a dog-eat-dog world where fear is constantly monitoring every expression? Then It hit me:
I’d prefer to live out of a shopping cart,
Than to give up giving from my heart.
If I want a giving living,
I need to start living giving.
When I give up giving, I give up living.
When I am driven, I am not livin’.
I had traded living for panicking. I was not enjoying my life because I was always running from the dread doom of Damocles’ sword of financial ruin about to chop my head off. And I was sick of it.
Maybe I am wrong, or I am just putting on rose colored glasses. I do not know. I choose to believe that the psychologist William James was onto something when he suggested that it is highly beneficial to believe whatever you want to believe. And I choose to believe that if I give from my heart and remember to ask for what I want, I will survive quite nicely. I chose to believe if I put my money (time or other resources) where my heart is, I will start a cycle that will provide me rich returns. I was starting to realize that what Louis Agassiz the Swiss Naturalist had said was also true for me: "I cannot afford to waste my time making money." This certainly is not anything new but it is hard to believe when it looks like only the "greed is good", bust your ass, Wallstreet lawyer types get all the toys and all the babes in Toyland too. There is even a Socratic slant on this: "I do nothing but go about persuading you all not to take thought for your persons or your properties, but first and chiefly to care about the greatest improvement of the soul. I tell you that virtue does not come from money, but that from virtue comes money and every other good of man, public as well as private." - Socrates
Now I do not want to get too airy fairy here but it was quite a bit of synchronicity that after I had this realization and while I was still on the phone with Jane, my call waiting feature allowed two calls to come in telling me of really big and good financial news.
"Warning...Warning...! Do not get Lost in Space, Will Robinson." This does not mean that the key to happiness is to become an all giving Mother Teresa. I already burned out on that one. I spent many years living in an ashram and giving ALL my money and time to the World Welfare Organization to try to bring meditation to the world. (I worry that my need to mention it here stems from not getting the appreciation or acknowledgement I wanted then.) I ended up resentful, disillusioned and ignorant about how to take care of me. I had never learned that my needs were gifts; precious opportunities to serve the life in me. I know all kinds of techniques for "motivating" myself, but none for just giving to myself. But why do we have to motivate ourselves? Because we hate what we are doing. As a child did you ever need to be coerced or motivated to go out to recess? Would not it be wonderful if we gave the same kind and quantity of energy to our work as we did to recess? Yes! Yes! Yes! I want to let myself out on permanent recess and find a way to play and get paid for it. Like my brother Jim who, as a kid, always loved to play dump truck in the dirt. Now he owns a couple of dump trucks and just plays all day.
If I want to leave the "adult detention hall", of ‘have to’ and ‘should’ and ‘must’, and get back to recess. I need to learn to think and speak to myself in nonauthoritarian nonstatic language.
What do I mean by static language? Almost any use of the verb "to be" in relation to myself. Example: You are a shy, lazy, too old, uneducated, unassertive, unorganized, untalented, depressed, dysfunctional, nervous, angry person and a financial failure. Notice the finality and stagnicity of those judgmental concepts. Nothing in life is like that. Life is fluid and constantly changing. All self judgments are poorly articulated feelings and unmet needs. Rather than swirl in the overwhelm of static judgmental thinking I choose to convert it into process thinking. Example: "Kelly, you are no good at making money." converts to "Kelly are you feeling helpless because you need some guidance on money making and right now. Would you be willing to take the small step of calling that financial advisor?"
The other huge de-energizing dynamic is making demands on oneself. When we make demands on ourselves we paradoxically put ourselves into a position of either submission or rebellion. When I tell myself I have to, should do, something, I cansubmit out of fear, shame or guilt, or I can rebel in angry defiance. When I submit I feel depleted and depressed, and when I rebel I feel too guilty to enjoy whatever other activity I have chosen to do. I would prefer to do the inner processing it takes to transform my conflict into some form of giving to myself.
Once Dr. Rosenberg was trying to get some sleep when his child began crying. His first thought was "Well it is my turn I guess I should feed the little brat". As he was rising so was his resentment. He decided to lay back down and give himself empathy for irritation he was feeling about being woken in the middle of the night, and for the frustration about wanting a choice and then for the sadness about thinking of his child’s need as a bother. After a minute or two he got up not because he was thinking he had to or should but because he felt compassion and simply wanted the child to have food.
This is the intention I want to have when giving to myself. Because when I make me give to myself I am less motivated to give to myself in the future. I resent my own inner arm twisting. What is inner arm twisting? "Kelly if you will do your paper work I will stop berating you for five seconds".
I also want to stop trying to buy my own love or approval. I want out of the coercive buy and sell relationship with myself. I have discovered that what I want from myself is not approval, ("Not, now you are an OK person") but Self-appreciation for caring for and meeting my own needs. And I want to learn to ask myself for things in a way that makes it easier to give to myself. Instead of "You should start sending out your resume", try "I am feeling anxious to find that new job so I want to send out the resume."
I also want feed back from myself if I am not caring well for myself. Whatever form this feedback comes in, depression, resentment, illness, self loathing, inner criticism or just general crankiness I want to empathize with myself (or get someone else to) until the underlying need emerges and then formulate positive action steps I could take to met those needs.
I want to give to myself because I have compassion for my wants, instead of trying to convince myself that I deserve. It is much more important to me that I want something than if I theorize that I deserve it. Besides, entertaining abstractions like I deserve or do not deserve gets me caught up in the world of reward and punishment.
I do not want to portray this process as quick and easy. It takes time, lots of external support, practice, empathy and a deep commitment to connect with, instead of correct, oneself. It is a process, not an event.
I spent years as a monk in an Indian monastery called an ashram trying to meditate myself into "happily ever after" and slip the surly bonds of earth with all it is petty materialistic lessons. I was like a wanna be hot air balloonist who could achieve a few seconds of ecstatic flight only to be brought back to earth by the sandbags of my own rotten relationship with myself and others. So I can relate to Ram Dass who one day heard a voice tell him "Ram Dass, you are on the earth plane, and it is a sort of school. Why do not you take the cirriculum?" So now I have a new goal. As Ram Dass says,
I do not want to live happily ever after,
I want to cry all my tears and laugh all my laughter!
Money will not give you security, but if you have security it is easier to make money.
If I contribute I will be contributed to.
Dr. Rosenberg told me that the following exercise changed his life, work and relationship with money:
First list twenty things you do that you hate to do or think you have to do or should do.
Next, complete the following fill in the blank sentence using one item at a time from your list of twenty above:
I chose to do _______X_________ because I want __________________.
Example:
I chose to work at McDonalds because I want money.
Now you may want to brainstorm with yourself or others about other ways to get the wanted item.
Another Example:
I chose to do my landreary because I want clean clothes.
With something like this you may want to brainstorm about other ways to get the landreary done, like you might make a trade. You might change the oil in their car if they would do your landreary.
I discovered that several of the things I did were only to make money. Now I am finding more and more ways to enjoyable and creatively make and receive money. I am also finding ways to exchange with other people who actually enjoy doing the things I do not, like taxes, billing insurance companies, taxes etc.
Put your money where your heart is.
Bet on YOU. Your personal power grows by acting on your inclinations and dreams. For myself, I’ve found it a powerful act of faith in myself to spend money in the service of my self development and my dreams.
Money is energy, as are our other resources like time and attention. I need to choose what force I am going to allow to determine where I invest those resources. Do I always allow fear, anxiety, shame or guilt to determine how I spend my time or money? Or am I going to allow my heart and the pull of compassion to lead the way? I still remember, from the movie National Velvet, the horse groomer’s advice to Velvet, a girl try to win the ‘boys only’ National Steeple race, "Just send your heart up over the hurdle first and then leap after it for all you’re worth!"