Feeding Your Attention Hog

I was once at a new age spiritual type party and wanted to get the attention of some particularly lovely sari wearing, belly dancing women who were floating in and out of the various rooms. I had discovered that I could move past some of my fear and make a connection with people through singing. So I pulled out my guitar and started playing a song I had worked particularly hard to polish, Fleetwood Mac’s "A Crystalline knowledge of you". I was able to make it through without too many mistakes and was starting to feel the relief that comes with surviving traumatic experiences. Then one of the belly dancing goddesses calls to me from across the room, "You are some kind of attention hog aren’t you?"

As soon as she said it my life passed before me, the room started to swirl as a shame typhoon began to suck me down the toilet of my soul. Embarrassment is not the word for when someone pins the tail on jackass of what seems to be your most central core defect. It was devastating, to put it mildly. Most of my friends would tell you that I was painstakingly careful to check out the people to make sure no one would have the slightest difficulty with any request for attention that I might make. But this time I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar up to the elbow. I remember slinking away in silent humiliation, putting my guitar back in it’s case and making a beeline for my car. I just wanted to get back to my lair to lick my wounds and try to hold my self hate demons at bay with a little help from my friend Jack Daniels.

After that incident I quit playing music in public for quite a number of years.

It was not until several years later when I was attending a very intense, emotional workshop with Dr. Rosenberg that the subject even came up again. It was a group of about twenty and we had been together, baring and healing our souls for several days. The atmosphere of trust, safety and connectedness that had been created had dissolved my defenses and left me with a innocent childlike need to contribute. And then it popped out of my mouth. "I’d like to share a song with you all?" There I had done it. Now when everyone turns on me and confirms that I have an incurable narcissistic personality disorder, it will be fifty years before I play and sing in public again.

Dr. Rosenberg responded in a cheerful, inviting voice "Sure go get your guitar!" as if I was not about to commit hare kare. I ran to my car to get my guitar, which I kept well hidden in the trunk. I was also hoping that I would not just jump in my car and leave. I brought it in, sat down and played my song. Sweating and relieved that I made it through the song, I was beginning to feel some relief as I packed my guitar away again in its case. Just then Dr. Rosenberg says "And now I would like to hear from each group member how they felt about Kelly playing his song." "Oh my God!" my inner Jackals began to howl. It was a set up! They made me expose my most vulnerable part and now they are going to crucify me, or maybe just take me out to the rock quarry for a well deserved stoning. One by one, in methodical clockwise direction each person gave their individual reaction to my playing of the song.

The first person said they were soothed by the melody, the second that they were inspired by the words. The third person said they had felt touched as it reminded them of someone precious that they love. And on around it went, each person telling of a different need that was met, or another way they had been touched by my song. Dr. Rosenberg said he had felt inspired because I had mucked up the song a little in one place and had kept playing and finished it. When everyone had shared strong feelings began to pour into my body and up into my throat. Gratitude and relief? No. Joy? No. Sorrow. Great sorrow, for all the years that I had not been playing. For all the people that could have been touched or inspired, had I given them the chance. For all the attention I could have received but did not. As the sorrow eventually subsided like a passing rainstorm, warm powerful rays of sunny resolution began to radiate in my heart. It was a resolution and a clarity of commitment to myself to "Perfect my Selfishness". In a moment I saw how playing the miserable martyr’s role of sacrificing my passion to sing and play to avoid disturbing other people, had too high of a price. It also ripped other people off, from receiving what I had to give them. I swore then and there that I was not going to do that to me again.

No use wasting life saying that I should have known better.

No use wasting time regretting what has been.

I just know I felt uneasy and I couldn’t settle down,

Like my picture couldn’t fit into that frame.

And I don’twant to do that to me again.

No use wishing now that I had not had to learn this way.

No use wasting time regretting what has been.

I just know I was uneasy and I wasn’t who I am,

But I guess I had to do it to see plain.

And I don’t want to do that to me again.

I just want to go on singing the same tune I’m playing.

I want my self and my doing all the same.

And I want to walk in rhythm to the beat of my own soul.

When I’m out of step with me I’m in the pain.

And I don’t want to do that to me again.

By Ruth Bebemeyer

Recently I held a potluck dinner at my house for a group of friends, most of whom had been practicing Nonviolent Communication(sm). (### I am marking this spot for now, as a possible place to explain Compassionate Nonviolent Communication(sm). I am going to wait until we have it clear the order of the chapters so I do not repeat the definition over and over in the different chapters where I mention it.) After we had finished eating a woman asked if the group would like to hear a story she wrote. At first no one answered, but then a couple of people asked how long the story was and whether the essence of it could just be told to them. Finally an agreement was reached about how the gift of the story could be given so that the groups needs for connecting with each other and relaxing at the party could also be met. I was struck by how rare it is in this culture for individuals to be open and straight forth about their needs for attention in a social setting. It is equally rare for members of the group to honestly and openly express their needs that might be in conflict when an individual makes their request of the group. Usually group members will simply not object to an individual’s request to take the floor but then act out in a passive aggressive manner by making noise or jokes and looking at their watches. Sometimes they will take an even more violent and insidious action of going brain dead and pasting a jaklelantern smile on their face. Often when someone asks to read something or play a song in a social setting the response is a polite, lifeless "That would be ‘nice’". (N.I.C.E.= No Integrity/Congruence Expressed or Not Into Communicating Emotion). And then as you share your vulnerable creation, others are talking, whispering to each other or sitting looking like they are waiting for the dental assistant to tell them to come on back.

No wonder it’s so scary to ask for people’s attention. In ‘Nice Cultures’ you are probably not going to get a straight, open answer. People let themselves be oppressed by someone’s request and then blame that someone for not being psychic enough to know that ‘yes’ meant ‘no’. When were we ever taught to negotiate our needs in relation to a group of people? In a classroom? Never! The teacher is expected to take all the responsibility for controlling who gets heard about what and for how long. There is no real opportunity to learn how to nonviolently negotiate for the floor. The only way I was able to pirate away a little of the groups attention in the classroom was through adolescent antics like making myself fart to get a few giggles, or ask the teacher really dumb questions like, "Why do they call them hemorrhoids and not asteroids?" or "If a number two pencil is so popular, why is it still number two", or "What is another word for thesaurus?".

We are not accustomed to true democracies in daily living. I can remember several bosses in my past reminding me "This is not a democracy, this is a job." I remember many experiences in social groups, church groups, volunteer organizations etc., where the person with the loudest voice, most shaming language or skills for guilting others controlled the direction of the group. Other times the pain and chaos of the group discussion becomes so great that people start asking for a tyrant to take charge. Many times people become so frustrated, confused and anxious that they would prefer the order that oppression brings to the struggle that goes on in groups when there are few "democracy skills" held by it’s members. I have much different experiences in groups I work with in Europe and in certain "intentional communities", such as the Lost Valley Educational Center in Eugene, Oregon, where the majority of people have learned "democracy skills." I can not remember one job, church group, volunteer organization or town meeting in mainstream America where "democracy skills" were taught or practiced.

Negotiating needs from a group

Many of us live much of our lives engaged in various ways with all sorts of groups, families, work groups, organizations, churches and social settings. We need to develop skills for negotiating our needs in relation to a group. Because we were never taught how to powerfully and nonviolently assert and negotiate our needs in a group many of us either become resentful suppressed sheep or raging bulls running roughshod over others. We either "bowl over" or "roll over" in relation to others. We "bowl over" others out of the fear that we will not otherwise get what we want. Or we "roll over" out of hopelessness that we will be able to get what we need.

It can be scary to ask for attention from a group because so often the group members are afraid to express their true feelings about your request. And most of us understand that when true negative feelings are withheld there will be some sort of consequence. In a group the consequence is frequently "shunning". (In every case of school shootings of which I am aware, the perpetrator was being shunned by most of the other students.) Here are some tips to help you negotiate in groups:

1. Practice presenting our requests for attention from a group with strength so others can sense we will not be crushed if there is an objection.
2. If you are scared when you are asking the group for something, be sure to say so. If you do not it may be perceived as aggressive, because unexpressed fear often gets perceived as aggression.
3. Be sure to give others time and space to check within themselves how they do feel about your request.
4. Be ready to empathize with whatever the objection is. Do not get hung up on the content of their response but hear the feelings and needs behind the content.

Example:

You: "I would like to share a story. Is that OK with everyone?"

Group Member: "No."

You: "Is that because you would like reassurance that it would take less than five minutes?"

Group Member: "No it is because we have not made the decision yet about when our next meeting will be."

You: "Thanks for telling me. I would be happy to wait until after that decision is made. Would that work for everyone?"

5. As in the example, after empathizing with the group member’s response be prepared to check back within yourself to see if you have shifted, in other words you have changed you mind about what you requested. If not either stay with the dialogue or allow a solution to emerge that meets both your needs and the groups needs. Notice that in the example the solution suggested is synergistic and would meet both your needs to tell the story and the group member’s needs for the meeting time decision to be made.
6. Be careful not to give in or give up after empathizing with the other’s objection. If you do give up on what you want you will resent the group for seeming to oppress you, and you will likely withdraw your participation. Or you will start gossiping about those that objected to your request and begin to build a splinter faction group that will weaken and sometimes even destroy the group. It is often the "nice" people who are so scared of conflict that do the gossiping that tears the group apart. There can also be a particular problem with couples in a group. Sometimes a couple will form a faction splinter group. Then if they are upset about something going on in the group, they will collapse into collusion and gossip with each other, instead of airing their concerns with the whole group. Other times the factions are created along political lines or gender lines. With gender lines frequently the men think the women are "too sensitive’ and controlling and the women think the men are "too insensitive" and domineering.
7. Remember that after you have shared something of yourself in front of a group you almost always need some kind of honest feedback in response. If you do not ask for this feedback your mind will often project onto the blank screen nightmarish self judgements which will serve to shut you down in the future.

Example: You have just shared with the Committee to Create an Alternative School that you are afraid that the school will not be created in time for your five year old to attend and you will have to enroll her in public schools. You find yourself crying as you explain how important it is for you to protect her from the many kinds of violence found in public schools. Having cried you feel vulnerable. You might ask:

"I feel a bit vulnerable having cried in public, I would like to know how people are feeling about what I have shared."

Then be prepared to empathize with the worst. In other words write down the three things that would be the most scary to hear after you have made yourself vulnerable and then asked for feedback. Here is what I came up with when I asked myself what would be scary feedback to receive and some possible empathic responses.

So I have cried in front of the Committee to Create an Alternative School and asked for feedback and heard back:

1. From one of the other parents: "Don’t try to manipulate us with those phony Crocodile tears!"

My response (hopefully) : "So you don’t trust my sincerity?"

2. From a big burly man: "Oh God, give it up!"

My response; "Sounds like you are disgusted with the show of emotion and would prefer we all discuss this practically and logically?"

3. From a psychologist in the group: "You are just a little out of control aren’t you?"

My response: "Are you concerned about straying from the agenda for the meeting?

The psychologist’s response to the above: "Yes, you are monopolizing the meeting?"

My response: "So you would like other’s to get equal time to speak? Yes I am willing to give up the floor now. (Or, I would like to make two more points if that’s OK with the group?)"

 

Learning to feed your Attention Hog:

1. Honoring and owning your Attention Hog is a learned habit and skill. It must become a conscious and willful act in order to counter the cultural training we have received to pretend we do not want the attention. You will also be honoring other’s needs to have their attention and appreciation received fully and gracefully.When you are talking with someone and there is a radio or TV playing in the background, remember that you have permission to ask that it be turned off and not just down.
2. Ask groups to hear you play a new song you have learned.
3. Ask groups to listen to you read or recite poetry or prose.
4. Ask to be on TV or radio.
5. Submit articles for publication in magazines, newspapers or ezines.
6. When speaking to a group, and people are talking in the background, say "My attention hog would like everyone’s attention please."
7. When you are not getting the eye contact you would like from someone, ask for it.
8. If you want someone to call you more often, tell them specifically how often you would like to be called.
9. If you are not getting the recognition you are wanting at work, ask you boss to write down a number of things that he sees you contributing to the business.

When receiving the applause of a group, take it in, stand there looking at them until the entire wave of appreciation has passed.

Confessions from a Clingon

If a man is walking in a forest and makes a statement, but there is no woman around to hear it, is he still wrong? Or if a woman is walking in the forest and asks for something, and there is no man around to hear her; is she still needy? These Zen koen meditations (as in ‘What is the sound of one hand clapping?’) maintain their mystery when applied to the opposite gender.

And when does it change from someone simply having a need to someone being a needy person? Is it written in Heaven somewhere what is too much need, too little need and just right amount of need for the "normal person". Ask pop radio psychologists Dr. Laura, or Sally Jesse Rafeal, or any number of experts who claim to know for sure, and you’ll get some very different answers.

And isn’t it fun the new sophisticated ways our advanced culture is developing to make each other wrong? You better keep up with the latest technical terminology or you will be at the mercy of those who do. Whoever has read the latest most recent self help book has the clear advantage.

Man: "Get real, would you?! Your Venusian codependency has got you trapped in your learned helplessness victim act and indulging in your empowerment phobia again."

Woman: "When you call me codependent, I feel (notice the political correctness of the feeling word) that you are simply projecting your own disowned, unintegrated, emotionally unavailable Martian counterdependency to protect your inner ADD two year old from ever having to grow up. So there!"

The Codependent’s prayer

Our Authority, which art in others, self abandonment be thy name.

Codependency comes when others’ will is done

at home as it is in the workplace.

Give us this day our daily crumbs of love.

And give us a sense of indebtedness as we try to get others to feel indebted to us. Lead us not into freedom, but deliver us from awareness.

For thine is the slavery and the weakness and the dependency for ever and ever. (Ah, Men…)

Thank God for self help books. No wonder the business is booming. It reminds me of junior high where everybody was afraid of the really cool kids because they new the latest most potent put-downs and were not afraid to use them. Daaaa!!!

But there must be another reason that one of the best selling book of our time is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr.John Grey. Could it be that our culture is oh so eager for a quick fix? What a relief it must be for some people to think "Oh that’s why we fight like cats and dogs, it is because he’s from Mars and I am from Venus, I thought we were messed up in the head." Can you imagine Calvin Consumer’s excitement and relief to get the video on "The Secret to her Sexual Satisfaction" with Dr. G-Spot, a picture chart, a big pointer, and X marks the spot. We are always looking for the gold mine, the G-spot, (That is G for Giggle not for the famous discoverer of the G-Spot, Dr. Grafenberg) maybe because we are afraid of the G-Word: Growth and the energy it requires.

I am worried that just becoming more educated or well read is chopping at the leaves of ignorance but is not cutting at the roots. Take my own example: I used to be a lowly busboy at 12 East Restaurant in Florida. One Christmas Eve the manager fired me for eating on the job and as I slinked away muttering under my breath "Scrooge.". Years later after obtaining a Masters Degree in Psychology and getting a California license to do psychotherapy I was fired by the clinical director of a psychiatric institute for being unorthodox. This time I was much more assertive and articulate. As I left I told the director "You obviously have a narcissistic pseudo-neurotic paranoia of any thing that does not fit your myopic Procrustean paradigm."

Thank God for higher education. No wonder colleges are packed.

What if there was a language designed not to put down or control each other but nurture and release each other to grow? What if you could develop a consciousness of expressing your feelings and needs fully and completely without having any intention of blaming, attacking, intimidating, begging, punishing, coercing or disrespecting the other person? What if there was a language that kept us focused in the present, and prevented us from speaking like moralistic mini-Gods? There is: The name of one such language is "Compassionate Communication".

What I am talking about are some tools for staying locked onto the other person’s humanness even when they have become an alien monster.

Remember that episode of Star Trek where Captain Kirk was turned into a Clingon, and Bones was freaking out. (I felt sorry for Bones because I have had friends turn into Clingons too.) But then Spock, in his cool, Vulcan way, was able to perform a mind meld to see that it really was still James T. Kirk trapped inside the alien form. And finally Scotty was able to put some dilithium crystals into his phaser and destroy the alien cloaking device, freeing the captain from his Clingon form.

Oh how I wish that in my youth or childhood someone had known how to apply a little Compassionate Communication to free me from my Clingon consciousness and communication. Just to have someone see me as a being with human needs and feelings instead of as a needy Clingon would have been water to my desperately thirsty soul. Because I didn’t get that it has taken me many years to get to the point where relationships are "flowers for my table instead of air for my lungs." , as my friend, Dr. Rosenberg likes to say.

As a freshman at the University of Florida. it would have been so helpful to have run into just one Compassionately Communicating girl. So that when I, in my Woody Allen ‘I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member’ consciousness, said:

"You would not want to dance with me would you?"

I might have gotten a life-giving Compassionate Comeback like:

"I wonder if you are a little nervous and maybe needing some reassurance that I am O.K. with being asked to dance?"

Then even if she told me "No" I could have held onto some shred of human dignity. Just a little demonstrated empathy for my present human experience would help me from getting swallowed up by my own inner judgments screaming that I am a wimp for being scared and a needy parasite for being so hungry for human connection.

I have thought of myself as both parasite and host at different times in different relationships. In one relationship I would be the parasitic, needy, begging puppy dog, desperate victim Clingon and in the next I would be the righteous, irritated Vulcan, aloof, sophisticated, space needing, guilty abandoning adult dog. Both suck.

(Men are Vulcans, Women are Clingons? If so I am androgynous.)

I remember being on the phone to a girlfriend who had been telling me her troubles for some 20 minutes. I remember beginning to think "This is the neeeeeeeeediest woman God ever put on this earth!". What I didn’t know at the time was that "needy" does not exist by itself. Needy is an interrelational word. It describes what is going on between two people; not within one person. When I am thinking that someone else is needy, it is because I have needs in conflict with the other person’s needs. However I am too scared to be conscious of what I am wanting so I cope with my fear by dissociating from it. I dissociated from my needs by going up into my head and analyzing what is wrong with her for not using her intuition to know that I am tired and offer to get off the phone without my having to ask her. How sad that our culture teaches us to think in terms of what is wrong with the other when they do not give us what we want. How sad that our culture teaches us "Judgment Games" - Who’s right and who’s wrong? Who gets rewarded and who gets punished? Who is in the In Crowd and who are the losers? Some cultures, like the agricultural Hopi’s, teach "Compassion Games". Who needs what, to be nurtured and grow? How can I make life more wonderful for you? Here’s how you can make life more wonderful for me. Would not it be wonderful if our culture taught us that all our needs are wonderful opportunities for others to fulfill their life purposes by giving to us.

At that moment on the phone, the truth was that I was tired and wanted to rest but was scared to say so. I was scared because I knew how guilty I would feel when she interpreted my need to rest as a rejection of her. All she would have to say is "I stuck my neck out and asked you for little support and now I feel abandoned by you", and I would go straight to guilt Hell.

To violently stuff my feelings and needs and end up resenting myself for giving in and the other person for oppressing me.

-Or-

2. To tell the truth about what I am feeling and needing and watch the other person get so wounded that they withdraw from the relationship. Or they attack me with anger or a guilt trip and I end up getting defensive or defeated by the guilt.

Are these my only options? Yuk! What happened to the Yum! and the Yea! of relationships?

Help Mr. Sulu, I am lost! Which way back to the Milky Way of Love?

From the book Nonviolent Communication(sm) by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg,

here’s a North Star for finding the heart of honesty within oneself; which is the first step on the starry trek back to love

When......................................you did not come over,

I feel......................................sad,

Because I was (or am) wanting....................... company.

Would you tell me if you’re willing to............................................ call me tomorrow?

This is one way of focusing my thinking and communicating my truth accurately. Notice that the grammar of the sentence allows for no judgment of the other and requires that the speaker take responsibility for their feelings and needs. They take responsibility for their feelings by declaring that their feelings are being caused by the condition of their needs. They do not say that their feelings are caused by the other person. If their needs are met, good feelings are produced, if not, bad or uncomfortable feelings. They say "When you didn’t come over, I was sad because I was wanting some company, could we get together tomorrow?" Not "I am sad that you didn’t come over". This second statement does not make clear what is causing the sadness. The sadness is caused by the unmet need for company not because a particular person does not come over. Sometimes people do not come over and your glad because perhaps you were wanting to sleep or read.

Notice that the last part (Would you tell me if you’re willing to.....) focuses on what you want done, right here and now to nurture you and/or bring you into connection with the other. Some of the most frequent requests I make are ‘Would you tell me what you heard me say?’ when I am in need of understanding, or ‘How do you feel about what I said?’ when I need connection with where the other is in relation to me, or ‘Would you be willing to knock on the door first next time?’ when I am wanting an agreement.

If I can notice what I am feeling,(I am lonely) I can know what I need (companionship) and then I have a chance of getting my need met. (Because I can ask you to spend time with me.) All successful relationship begins with inner awareness.

"Know thyself". Socrates.

I can’t be in touch with you if I am not in touch with me.

I can’t see you when I am looking for myself.

So if I seem to pass you blind, please try to keep in mind,

It isn’t you, it is me I cannot find.

by Ruth Bebemeyer

And here’s a map which can help use the essence of empathy to find and feel the heart of the other. This will help you keep locked onto their humanness when they are upset and forget to look for it within themselves:

When you see (or remember, or heard)....................................that I did not come over..

Did you feel................................................disappointed

Because you were (or are) wanting......................................some company

And would you like me to tell you if I am willing to.....................................call you tomorrow?

(Again from Dr. Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication(sm).) As soon as I turn my attention to what my partner is reacting to, feeling, needing and requesting it is a different world. Instead of being caught in the control of her Clingon tractor beam about to suck me into the Black Hole of her endless need, I am being invited into the Secret Garden of a beautiful wonderchild, to play, and to give and receive nurturing. As I develop my skill to listen to and from my

heart (my feelings and needs) I no longer see men and women as needy Clingons or detached Vulcans; only sweet sentient beings offering to meet my needs or requesting that I meet theirs. And when there is choice, all needs are beautiful.

See me beautiful, look for the best in me.

That’s what I really am and what I want to be.

It may be hard to find, and it may take some time, but see me beautiful.

See me beautiful, each and every day.

Could you take a chance? Could you find a way?

To see me shining through, in everything I do, and see me beautiful?

By Red Barber

I do not want to be loveable, I want to accept my neediness.

(Or) When you are in touch with your zing,

You won’t need to cling. Dowap, dowap, dowap.

Compassionate Communication provides a wealth of simple principles and effective techniques to maintain a laser focus on the human heart and innocent child within the other person -- even when they have lost contact with that part of themselves. You know how it is when you are hurt or scared, suddenly you become cold and critical or aloof and analytical. Would not it be wonderful if someone could see through the mask and warmly meet your need for understanding or reassurance?

These two maps, the first for self responsible, non judgmental honesty and the second, a guide to accurate empathy are very simple to apply and the most difficult thing I have ever tried to master. I personally know of thousands of relationships they have healed and saved.

One note of caution: This model or communication technique is a very powerful tool that can produce enormous life serving benefits when applied with a strong connection to the intention to be compassionate with oneself and others. The intention must always be to connect and never to correct oneself or others. As with any tradition, institution, or structure, it must never be made more important than the people it was created to serve. So please do not make a dreary dangerous religion out of it. And use it only as long as you are having fun with it.

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