"When Push Comes to Hug"

From Fighting Fair to Fun Fighting

How to have a Fight to the Life (Instead of to the death)

Have you ever heard the term "fighting fair"? John Bradshaw, well known self help author and others use the term to describe a set of principles they use in teaching conflict resolution between couples.

However I think fair fighting is an argumentative term in itself. Since when has anybody ever agreed on what ‘fair’ is. If we agreed on that we would not be fighting in the first place. It starts you off on a right/wrong adversarial footing. The idea sends you up to your head to be ever vigilant, like a lawyer ready to pounce. "Objection your honor, ‘fair’ is not truly an objective term, because it puts the authority in some subjective external body." And if our lawmakers, judges, clergy, psychologists and philosophers cannot agree on what "fair" is, what chance do we confused consumers have. I prefer a much more subjective reference – ‘Fun Fighting’. The locus or center of this authority is within me. "Am I having fun yet?" This helps me take the responsibility for whether I am having fun and if not what I am going to do about it. And by fun I do not mean just the pleasure of amusement, I mean the satisfaction of being in genuine connection with someone and moving the dialogue forward.

Thinking for one second that something that is happening is not "fair" is poison to potent, productive problem solving. When I am thinking something is not fair my consciousness is focused on an image of myself as powerless victim. When I am holding that image of myself as a victim of some more powerful unfair force, very few of my brain cells are working on the problem at hand. My feelings are often a mix of anger, hurt and hopelessness and I have very little awareness of what my present need is, therefore I have little hope of taking an action that might meet that need. I would like to notice that I am confused about how to get my needs met in that moment. I would like to step back from the particular strategy that I am locked into (like persuading my partner that buying her a new car right now would not be fair to me) and get more connected and conscious of the underlying need. Here the need might be to reassure myself that I will take good care of my resources or that I will negotiate powerfully and nonviolently for my own interests. From this perspective I might find a way to embrace her needs also, and look for a win/win solution. Often it is this being locked into my judgement of the other as unfair and holding a tunnel vision focus on my one solution. This usually triggers a lot of fear and resistance as the other side digs in to protect their interests. No one likes to submit to another person out of fear of their judgement and no one likes to feel like there are loosing in any interaction.

When Push Comes to Hug

Relationships are like Chinese finger puzzles. You know the kind made of straw where you scrunch up the cylinder, put both your index fingers in. And if you just try to pull your fingers back out again the cylinder tightens up, and holds your captive fingers all the tighter. The key to getting out of the Chinese finger puzzle is the same key as getting out of the polarized power struggle in a loving relationship. It is useful to push towards the middle instead of pulling towards your own ends.

When you find yourself in a relationship struggling towards one of the polar ends of an apparent conflict of needs, the strain of the power struggle can be decreased by pushing back towards the middle. As furiously as I might try to get my point across or my needs heard, if I used the same amount of energy to show understanding for the other’s position, I will ease the power struggle and move us toward resolution. I chose to fight toward the life, toward the connection with each other which is the common life force that sustains and connects us. One form this life energy takes is our needs. And because we all have the same needs for connection, freedom, celebration, physical sustenance, inspiration, peace, etc., expressing our needs clearly to each other is a powerful way to get us connected and giving to each other.

Some of the central apparent conflicting needs in intimate relationships are: freedom vs. closeness, traditional marriage vs. open marriage, autonomy vs. interdependence. Maybe there is some kind of law of the universe that make opposites attract that make all the spendthrifts find the misers, the slobs find the anal neatniks, the intellectuals find the emotional, the extroverts find the introverts, the action oriented find being oriented, the harmony seeking find the adventurous, those seeking certainty find those wanting spontaneity, etc. It is true with any tug of war, that as soon as you move toward the other’s position all the tension goes out of the struggle and it can turn into a hug of love. I want to push towards my partner. I want to push in towards intimacy instead of just pulling out toward my desired outcome.

So when my partner is pulling for closeness and I find myself tugging back for freedom I can change the polarity of the conversation by just beginning to think: "How can I meet some of her needs for closeness without compromising my needs for freedom?" As soon as I start thinking this way the field of energy between us will begin to soften and relax, the tension will decrease as the fear diminishes. The fear in both of us is that we have to fight, defend and protect ourselves from being taken advantage of and to get our needs met.

When blaming is going on, which is another way of saying that a request for empathy, healing and reconnection is being made, I recommend taking one of the

following actions: The order of these actions is in a hierarchical order from the most effective and preferred to the least. I need also to be humble enough to recognize which of these actions I can do with honesty and integrity. By humble I mean that I am not over estimating my level of skill or present state of mind. I need to hold an accurate assessment of my ability to be present and not be thinking I "should" be empathic, compassionate or more present than I am. For example even if I recognize that empathy would probably be the most effective strategy for the occasion, I will still need to choose honesty at that moment if that is all I can give with congruence. You cannot give empathy from "should" energy, (in other words because you think you should.)

Example:

Your partner says: "You just are not meeting my needs for relationship. And besides that you are selfish."

1. Empathize with the pain and unmet needs of which the blame is a tragic expression.

You might say: "Are you feeling kinda lonely and hurt and more consideration of your needs?"

2. Acknowledging any regret and action that I took that may have played a part or triggered the other person.

You might say: "I am sad that I forgot your birthday and went to play golf all day."

3. Ask your partner for acknowledgement:

You might say: "I am sad and would appreciate acknowledge that I did remember your birthday for the last 6 years."

4. Ask your partner to acknowledge their regrets or actions.

You might say: "I am frustrated and would appreciate acknowledgement that you forgot my birthday too and I would like to hear how you felt about forgetting?"

5. Give Nonviolent self-responsible honesty.

You might say: "I am feeling scared right now and need to protect myself from sinking into a guilt pit, could I get back to you in an hour?" (And in that hour you may want to consult with your giraffe journal, where you keep all the wonderful things people have said to you and about you, or call one of your empathy exchange partners. Remember that your empathy partners are those people in your support tribe that you call when you are in reaction and need supportive listening to process the reaction. Ideally it is an equal exchange between yourself and someone else who is learning "The Art of Empathy." Heinze Kohut, the existential psychologist said that what human beings need most is the mirroring presence of others.)

6. Be quiet, and give yourself a chance to reconnect with the kind of energy and the intention you would like to be coming from before you respond. (This option can be useful at any point to get in touch with these other options.)

You might say to yourself: "I am scared and angry right now. I am going to wait until what I say might help matters."

1. Be a Jackal. Go ahead be a jerk, but do it consciously from choice. You might say "Quit whining, you pathetic sack of self pity."
2. Be a conscious Giraffe Nazi and give a Giraffe (Giraffe is a symbol or nickname for Nonviolent Communication(sm)) lecture like this: "When you are calling someone selfish, you are obviously in judgement, and wanting something for your self! So why is that not selfish?" (Asking an angry ‘why’ question is the best way I know to look like a prosecuting attorney. A Giraffe Nazi is someone who is a fundamentalist, usually recently born again convert to Nonviolent Communication(sm). The often use the lingo of the process to try to educate or convert others, meanwhile they have, for the moment lost connection with the spirit of the process which is compassion. I speak from experience because when I first learned NVC, I used the terminology to defend myself and to attack people. In was much more focused on preaching NVC than I was practicing NVC. As time has passed I have mellowed some and now try to keep my attention more focused on being a compassionate and honest Giraffe than trying to get others to shape up. But for a long time if someone used some language that did not fit the NVC paradigm, for example a label, judgement or exaggeration, I would practically scream at them "That’s violent judgmental communication!!" And when they would get angry or hurt in response to my diatribe, I would launch into Giraffe Lecture Mode: "I am not causing your painful feelings. It’s what your inner Jackal is telling you about what I said that is causing your pain." This was of course a defense from feeling guilty about triggering their anger or hurt.)
3. Be a silent Jackal.

Silently you are thinking "Who would want to do anything for that judgmental, victim- consciousness codependent."

9. Verbalizing self blame.

You might say "You are right, I am a selfish clod."

1. Silent self blame.

Just think "You are right I am a selfish clod."

2. Being silent with the intention to punish or control.

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Decreasing the Danger of Distorting

If you are going to distort or exaggerate something it is helpful to acknowledge that it is a distortion before you say it. Like "I know this is an exaggeration but please hear how it feels in my body. I feel like you are trying to suffocate me." Then take time to unwrap the feelings and needs underneath the distortion. Example: "When you asked me if I was going to come to your party, I felt tense and scared and anxious because I really need reassurance that if I say no I will not be punished." In general though it is better not to use images and exaggerations to build a case for you pain and fear, better to express the needs and feelings behind the distortions in the first place. And say your pain and needs as simply and nakedly as possible.

The Value of taking a step back.

Have you ever gotten fishing line all tangled up, to where you got so frustrated that you just start yanking on the different loops of line which of course makes the knots and tangles even tighter and more difficult to untangle. Would it not be great if you could notice that you were starting to do that in a discussion with your loved one and were able to stop, take a step back, a time out, before the frustrated yanking occurs. If the time out could be taken before intense angry and frustration occurs, the tangles would not be as difficult to untangle. And if it could be an understood that the request for the time out was in the service of reconnecting with oneself, then the reconnection with the beloved would happen all the sooner. Instead, what I sometimes do is to take space if a huff, implying with my body language and tone that "she is impossible, it is hopeless, I cannot take anymore of this, etc." Often I am afraid I have only two choices:

1. To hang in there and yank and struggle and fight until we get through this mess or:
2. To take space and feel unresolved, disconnected, lonely, worried, unsettled for hours on end until we come back and finish the argument.

I am excited about a new option. We can take space in love as an expression of caring for the relationship and in hopes of getting back into connection all the sooner and protect from making the tangles all the worse. And then during that "taking space" time here are six things you can do:

1. Think about my part of the tangle to gain clarity about what my reaction was about.
2. Not think at all about the distressing discussing but enjoy the break from the struggle trusting that with rest, new energy and clarity will come organically.
3. Translating my Jackals first. I do this by feeling into and naming the feelings and needs I am having in my body when all that argumentative thinking is going on.
4. Translating her Jackals. I do this by thinking about or writing down what I think she/he is feeling and needing behind their words.
5. Music, nature, sports, something totally involving of the mind (reading might be difficult)
6. Journaling

* * *

Many of the couples I work with have the following kind of pain going on. The woman is hurt, discouraged hopeless, and lonely while the man is angry, frustrated, exhausted and scared. The woman’s unmet need is for empathy, closeness and a higher quality of intimate conversation. The man’s need is for respect, rest, validation of his worth as he is, and to unhook himself from his inner sense of guilt and inadequacy about his partner’s pain.

Again this issue is related to the old Freedom/Closeness dance. Oh, but how to get the word out? If I was back in my hippie days I would take off all my clothes, drop some mind altering, fear destroying drug and get two big pieces of cardboard. (I used to use those fold up card tables) I would write on it in big block letters with oil paint I stole from the University of Fla. Museum of Natural History:

"WOMEN – YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET HIM TO HEAR YOU, YOU JUST NEED TO BE HEARD BY SOMEONE!!!" .

If there is attachment to having a specific person hear your pain usually several dynamics are set into motion. First the fear that if your one and only does not hear you, you will stay stuck in the pain, often gets perceived as a demand or an attack. This is especially true if the fear is not verbalized. Secondly there is usually some blame mixed in if you think it must be heard by a specific person, that you are probably thinking caused the pain. Thirdly if your significant other buys it that they are the only person on the planet that can relieve you of your pain and fill you need to be heard two bad things will likely happen. Most likely they will lose the awareness that they have a choice about whether to listen or not, and start to perceive your sweet need to be heard as a burden. If you know that your need is for empathy and not empathy from him, it makes you less desperate. This will lessen the pressure on him and increase the likelihood he will listen, and listen with more presence.

And on the other one I would write:

"MEN – YOU NEVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE WORD THAN YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!"

For each word you listen to that you did not want to, you will resent her and hold her responsible even though you volunteered for listening duty. And she looses respect every second you are submitting to her instead of being truly present with honesty or empathy.

Then I would parade through very densely trafficked areas of the city in hopes of raising the consciousness of the people so their suffering could end.

I wish that both men and women would refuse to listen to each other unless they were sure it was a compassionate contribution to the other’s need to be heard instead of a caving-in-concession. May we only "give to" each other and never "give in" to each other lest we breed the slimy serpents of resentment.

The pain, emptiness, and loneliness becomes so intense for women that they truly become either desperate or hopeless. They get into aggressive demanding or pleading or moping around in slop of self-hate/pity, both of which are hard not to interpret as demands. If they could just get some high quality listening/empathy somewhere it would take some of the charge and intensity off their pain and make it easier to open a dialogue with their mates. Some men and women are afraid to get heard by someone other than their partner because they interpret this as infidelity or disloyalty. They fear that if they open up their vulnerability and heart to someone else it will give their partner permission to intimately connect with someone else and they fantasize that this will lead to loss. Others think of it as inappropriately airing the family’s dirty laundry and are afraid of the family being looked down upon in the community. And of course this does happen a lot in certain communities. Still others are afraid of having their vulnerability trampled upon in the various ways I have already mentioned.

The frustration and irritation gets so built up in the men that her slightest request triggers the unleashing of the backlog of resentment until she is walking around on eggshells. Their resentment comes due to their own self abandonment. It comes because they have listened when they needed to be heard. It comes because they were trying to be strong and not need to take space and rest and recharge when they needed it. The resentment is there because they did not know they had a choice not to listen when it did not fit for them to listen. Had they known that listening to someone when you are really needing to be heard or rest is violence to the both of you, they might have avoided the deterioration of the relationship.

Because as I have said before, you violate your responsibility to yourself and begin to hate yourself whenever you do not take care of your own needs. Also you begin to hate and resent the other and hold the illusion that they are oppressing you.

And of course this dynamic frequently occurs with the genders reversed. But for the sake of simplicity I will continue to describe this yin/yang dynamic in terms of male and female.

Somewhere along the line in the relationship the man grows to dread seeing the woman’s pain for several reasons:

1. He interprets it as accusation. (I hear your pain, and I add it to my list of inadequacies.)
2. He interprets it as proof of his inadequacy. (If she is still in pain, I must not be adequately providing for her.)
3. He thinks he has no choice by to sit and listen. (We all know we hate whatever we have no choice about; lectures from our Dad, finishing our broccoli, paying taxes.)
4. It triggers fear that the relationship is ending, which he wants to avoid.

Because he has such fear of his own anger about his powerlessness, and shame about thinking he is somehow inadequate, sophisticated men learn to go up to their heads to hide behind sophisticated projective, politically and spiritually correct analytical labels of their partners. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. "She is just playing victim." Translation: "I am pissed off that I am choosing to take on responsibility and feel guilty about the pain she is in."
2. "She is so f____ing neeeedy." Translation: "I am scared to tell her that I have different needs that she does right now partly because of the shame I have about having needs at all but also because I am afraid I will be abandoned if I do not meet her needs."
3. "She is overly dependant." Translation: "I am confused about how to assert my needs for independence and I am tempted to plead with her to please give me permission to be independent. I am unaware that I already have freedom and I am free to not take care of her."

She on the other hand often becomes either despondent and despairing about ever getting her needs for support and connection met, or angry thinking he should be willing and able to meet her needs. She begins to resentful and fearful of hearing his pain because:

1. She interprets his irritation and frustration as proof of her "Neediness."
2. She interprets his disappointment and depression as "she is not enough" to make him happy.
3. She interprets it as "the beginning of the end" the "other shoe is about to drop."
4. She perceives his pouting and escaping into his cave as rejection and an attempt to gain control in the relationship.

Then she begins to take refuge in her judgements of him, often with a little help from her friends:

1. "He is a TAM (Typical Asshole Male), clueless, self absorbed and out of touch." Translation: "I am frustrated and exasperated about how make an emotional connection with him so that he might be touch and want to meet my needs"
2. "He is playing the withholding love control game." Translation: "I am feeling hurt, powerless and confused and want to protect myself from giving in out of my fear of abandonment."
3. "He is being verbally abusive and dominating." Translation: "I am scared and angry and would like to stay present in this situation instead of shrinking."

* * *`

When I enter into an intensive needs negotiation session with a loved one (Otherwise known as a fight) I need to know that I will be able to detect the difference between a giving-in/giving-up type of compromise and a true opening of the heart to a compassionate shift. If I have no confidence that I can make this distinction I will be to scared to really listen/empathize/take in what the other person is expressing. I am afraid I will listen, feel sorry for them and end up giving in when I did not want to. Then I will have to deal with self hate (My inner jackal says "Wimp, people pleaser, why do you let people push you around) and resentment. (Inner jackal "Why do they always have to have their way, they are selfish, it is not fair).

It is this fear of self abandonment that contributes to the fear to hear what the other is really saying. The other fear that gets in my ear is that of taking in something that will trigger self judgement, shame or guilt. I am really never afraid of the other’s judgement, only having my own inner self judgement triggered by their judgement.

When I have no feeling sense that the other is empathizing with my expression of needs it is very easy to interpret their expressions of need as an attack. (Rumination – "You tell me your sweet needs, I add them to my list of inadequacies.) When I am not feeling that energy of connection/understanding/acceptance it is easy to misinterpret what you are saying as a criticism of me.

Example:

My beloved says "I have felt disconnected and alone for days now."

I hear "You unconscious creep. What kind of beloved are you? How could you let me suffer so? Your companionship is inadequate."

The behavior of lashing out in verbal or physical violence stems from the fear of, or the perception of being attacked. My beloved could greatly reduce the likelihood that I will perceive attack if she makes connection with me, or empathizes with my fear, before she shares her needs and her pain. If she has not waited so long that she is in a lot of pain she might be able to approach me gently. She might start with something like:"My sense is that you have been preoccupied with work or maybe feeling a little down these last several days. Is that true?"

I say "Yup."

She says "Well I have been missing you and would like to reconnect somehow. Would you be willing to talk about how we might do that?" (Notice her emphasis on the present moment and meeting present needs. NVC is always based in this very moment now. Even if I want to spend some time with you in the future, I want the agreement to do so now.)

The behavior of telling someone what they did wrong is often motivated by the fear that they will somehow be judged for expressing their pain in any form. Therefore it becomes important to make a case that your behavior "caused" me pain, and it was also immoral and wrong. A part of me is hoping to protect myself from taking on any responsibility or blame for what occurred by making you the "wrong one". This same part of me is hoping that if I really make the case that you were motivated by evil forces, you will have no credibility when you defend yourself by calling me "overly sensitive", "partially responsible" etc.

Searching for Synergistic Solutions

In order to get good at finding synergistic solution it is important to develop a consciousness and a language for expressing needs, instead of only being able to identify and express requests. Because if I can only express the behavior change I want to see in the future it looks to you like I am locked into my one and only way to get the need met. This can easily trigger your fear of being taken advantage of, which leads to power struggles.

When both parties are locked into "request consciousness" it looks like there is no way to get both requests met. This is when fear arises and each party often starts to pull and fight for their request in whatever ways they were taught in their family. The two most popular strategies are power over (saying or doing things that evoke shame or fear to coerce the other to give in) or power under (saying or doing something to trigger guilt to coerce the other to give in).

A "need" never has a specific action or specific other person in it. A need is universal to all human beings which is why it inspires so much more compassion that just a request.

Example of "request consciousness":

John: "Jane I need you to stay home tonight."

Jane: "And I need you to quit being so controlling."

Translation into "needs consciousness":

John: "I am feeling restless and need to have some company and play, would you brainstorm with me about what I or we might do tonight?"

Jane: "I am worried about giving in. I am also confused about what I want to do tonight. I would like to think about it for maybe ten minutes and get back to you. Would that work for you?"

"Needs language" opens the door to thousands of solutions and makes it easier for the other to trust that you do not have your mind all made up. It also makes it easier to trust that there is room in the solution for everyone involved to get their needs met.

Now I will write about a subject that is so volatile and controversial it may prevent this book from being published. It is an aspect of that deepest of male/female conflict, the freedom needs vs. closeness needs. It takes the form of the traditional monogamous marriage versus the "open nonmonogomous marriage". Neither monogamy nor nonmonogamy are needs. They are both requests for specific actions. I recommend that couples learn how to talk deeply and thoroughly about the needs behind these requests.

Some needs behind the request for monogamy:

Closeness

Interdependence

Emotional Security

Simplicity

Focus or depth of relationship

Consistency

Peace of mind that comes from following one’s convictions

Financial Security

Acceptance from family, friends, and society

Some needs behind the request for nonmonogamy:

Freedom

Autonomy

Exploration of different parts of oneself

Aliveness

Community

Integrity with self

Openness

Pleasure

Interdependence

If couples can take responsibility for their needs and learn to negotiate them using "need language" what was a conflict becomes a love making session. I say this because finding ways to meet each other’s needs without compromising ourselves is one of my favorite definitions of love.

If a couple is locked into conflict about any specific request, I recommend they go back to hearing each other on the need level.

Scene 1 – Husband and wife are entering into a fight:

Husband: "Look, why are you being so paranoid? I sure we can afford to buy the boat now."

Wife: "No we can’t. Besides you are never home as it is. If you get a boat I will never see you."

Husband: "Well if you would get a life you would not resent me for wanting to have a little boating fun. And we can too afford it."

Wife: "No we can’t."

This is where it is helpful to slow down, back up, and start listening for the needs behind the request. In Scene 2 the wife wakes up and decides to use her NVC skills to get connected on the need level.

Scene 2 – Wife leads dialogue into "an intensive needs negotiation session."

Wife: "I scared about where this is heading. Let me see if I can really hear your needs for getting the boat and getting it now. Are you wanting a boat because you are wanting to reward yourself for all the hard work you have been doing? And do you want to get it now because you are afraid you will resent missing the sailing season?"

Husband: "No the sailing season is over. I am wanting a boat because I am hitting 50 and I want some adventure in my life before I die. I want it now because I am afraid it will get put on the back burner again, and I don’t know how long my health is going to be good."

Wife: "So you are worried about having some excitement while you can still enjoy it?"

Husband; "Yes thank you for hearing that."

Husband: (Moved by her generosity of spirit at trying to empathize with his needs:) "So let me see now if I can hear you. Are you worried that we will run out of money before our daughter gets through college? Like a need to know your child will be OK?"

Wife: "To be honest with you that is only a small part of it. The bigger part is probably my fear of being alone all the time."

Husband: "So are you afraid and need to trust that your needs for companionship will get met?" (I know the wording here sounds a little stilted. I have chosen to present it this way so the form will be easy to recognize. Once one gets more skilled at NVC it becomes much more fluid and sounds much, much more natural.)

Wife: "Yea. Something like that."

Husband: "Well I have needs for companionship too. What say I make you might first mate and we sail off together into the sunset. Ah, yes I am getting images of James A. Michner’s "Adventures in Paradise""

Wife: "That sounds great honey, except that you know I don’t know how to sail. And you get so pissy whenever you try to teach me something. Remember the computer?"

Husband: "But that was before we learned NVC. Oops! Sorry about that. I just put my ‘but’ in your face. Let me try again. Are you scared that we will get into the kinds of fights we did around the computer, and are you needing reassurance that you will be taught how to sail with gentleness and patients."

Wife: "Yes, but I don’t know how to get the reassurance.’

Husband; "Well I would like you to notice how we just now navigated through these stormy waters. You were great applying NVC to bring us back into connection with each others needs. I am sure that if you can keep having patients with my process of learning NVC, I can have patients as I teach you how to set a course for some smooth sailing."

* * *

When we are upset with someone’s tone we are really in need of connection to that person’s feeling. It is just a strategy and not a need, to ask them to change or lower their tone. Being requested to lower one’s voice, or tone it down can easily be heard as "You should stuff your feelings, or your feelings are too much." This is particularly true if the need behind the request is not made clear. (If you do decide to ask someone to lower their voice be sure and also express you need to ‘feel centered’, or ‘hear them more easily’, or ‘to be more present’ etc.)

Instead of asking your partner to soften his or her tone, try asking for them to express what they are saying in terms of their feelings and needs, so that you can feel more connected to them. I have found this often meets the need for safety and connection that the request to lower the tone is trying to meet.

One way out of guilt is to really hear the other’s pain. When we are feeling guilty we are still resisting empathizing with the other’s pain. We are not yet one with the pain. When I am one with the other’s pain there is no room for blame or guilt for anyone.

* * *

It helps me to take the attitude that my partner is never running away from anything but is always running toward something. For example when she runs screaming out of the house and down the street, she is not running from me but towards sanity.

* * *

The issue will take care of itself once the intimacy is established.

* * *

Dear friend when you use words such as ‘theatrics’ to describe my style of

expressing myself, you keep the focus on how I am expressing instead

of what I am expressing. This leaves me feeling all the more Shakespearean, suffering the slings and arrows of an outrageous lack of being heard, tempting me to take arms against your sea of judgements.

* * *

Perfecting your victimhood.

How does one perfect their victimhood? Ask not what you can do for yourself, ask what is wrong with your partner.

* * *

Do not use shorthand words like "messy" or "lazy" or "cranky" about each other’s behavior, until you both have done the healing work to know that there is no such thing as messy, lazy, or cranky. It adds joyful color to my relationship to banter "My, my aren’t you a little cranky this morning!!" Because there is a trust that my beloved will not hear me judging her but will hear me saying "When you growl at me on the way to the bathroom like that, I am concerned that you may be feeling out of sorts this morning. Would you like to talk about it?"

* * *

* * *

I may be the detonator but I am not the dynamite. (In other words I may be the trigger for another’s pain but the cause is their unmet needs.)

* * *

Are you hearing the truth of the moment, or having a flashback from the past? Notice it and acknowledge it.

* * *

If you partner overwhelms you, or talks your ear off, or "dumps all over you" please notice that probably chose to sit and take it. Believe me you did not do them any favor, because you will make them pay for it somehow some way. Notice too that it was probably not for any great noble reason. It was probably because you were afraid to create conflict, afraid to disturb the image of yourself as a nice person, or you were afraid of losing the other’s approval. Whenever I let my partner do any of the above to me or otherwise ‘accidentally oppress’ me, I like to apologize to her. I like to tell her about my regret that I let her get her needs met at my expense, because as I have said before, it begins to create a sense of distance in the relationship. I then like to re-commit to living "Me first and only" so that the love in our relationship will continue to flourish. Then even if I have to use protective force, like running to my room and locking myself in, I will be clear that I am not abandoning the relationship, I am rescuing the relationship. I am rescuing the relationship by not get caught up in what may very well be the only relationship issue there is – Self Abandonment.

* * *

Only when your beloved trusts that her expression of either ‘no’ or ‘yes’, will still maintain the same quality of connection between you both, can there be deep safety in the relationship.

* * *

Whether dancing or dialoguing, if you are spiritually, emotionally and physically well rested you will step on fewer toes.

* * *

When I am in pain I want to wait till I am clear what I want back from you before I speak.

* * *

The objective needs to be to create the quality of connection needed to get everyone’s needs met. I do not want to exert my will over the other but through revealing my needs nakedly, inspire their generosity of spirit so that that want to give to me.

* * *

Criticism, blame, judgement = please.

* * *

If you want to keep the wild in your wild man keep encouraging him to keep setting himself free.

* * *

May we always turn each other on, instead of turning on each other!

* * *

Let the process make the decision. If you just keep listening to the different needs the decision will make itself.iiii

* * *

"I love you" is often a vague request for reassurance.

* * *

Intimacy is found through the balance of freedom and closeness.

* * *

The cause of resentment is self-abandonment.

* * *

Fight to the Life. If you do not schedule a fight it will schedule you. (The advantage to scheduling is that you can bring in referees, for example, another couple).

* * *

Relationships are not fair or unfair, they are a mystery to be patiently, persistently, passionately unwrapped.

* * *

I like the idea of ‘least effort’ harmony but I am doubtful that ‘no effort’ harmony exists.

* * *

I am getting clear that I do not want to try to get respect from others through expressing anger towards them. At those angry moments that I am thinking I want respect, what I really want is empathy to the fear and pain going on in me.

* * *

I love to give people reassurance, but never to prevent them from freaking out.

I never want to do anything to prevent others from freaking out.

* * *

From a ‘me first and only’ perspective it is easier to be an equal and create

equality in the relationship. And at the same time, it is becoming clearer that the more

fiercely protective I am of my partner’s needs, the more I benefit. This supports the

theory that you cannot contribute to one person in a relationship. What ever you do it

serves both or neither.

* * *

Some feelings and needs I choose to suppress. Like when the policeman pulls me over and I choose to put my anger into the refrigerator rather than express it. Once he is gone I can take it out of the refrigerator and, relish in my rage, and enjoy expressing it fully. I want to be careful not to repress, by putting it into the freezer, trying to forget about it and hope it goes away. That is what happened to us as children and now all that rotten stuff is thawing. Suppression can be a very life serving action, as it is a channeling of emotional energy to meet certain needs. Suppression = Refrigerator. Repression moves emotional energy into the unconscious where it will fester until it bursts out in a destructive unconscious expression. Repression = Freezer. Repression is where we try to ignore certain feelings (usually "negative" ones like anger, sadness, fear, shame, etc.) or needs (usually ones that have been culturally shamed like sex, rest, play, safety, self expression, community.)

* * *

When I am thinking I need respect, many times I am really in demand mode in my head. If I felt down into my body I would notice that I am scared and need to feel a sense of centeredness, but for the moment I am attached to controlling the outside circumstances or people. It is that attachment that causes the frustrations and sense of powerlessness.

There is safety in oneness. What I am joined with cannot hurt me. In other words when I am one with another’s pain (and remember blame is just disowned pain) it cannot hurt me. When I am resisting it or running from it, it seems to hurt me.

* * *

No one in a relationship can take the other person’s power, we can only give our power away to each other.

* * *

Love is not saying "I love you" when your lover is thirsty, it is giving them a drink.

Love is not hugging your sunburned lover, it is rubbing them with sun lotion made of zinc.

Love is not reading her a love poem when she is trying to go to sleep.

It is giving her your precious absence, that shows your love runs deep.

So if you love them, you will leave them, when they need to rest.

Otherwise you will become a kind of lover’s pest.

If you want to make a mess

Always say yes.

If you want love to go, never say no.

* * *

I do not want to be loveable, I want to accept my neediness.

My fear makes me hear whatever I dread.

It creates my nightmare out of whatever you said.

I need to know that I will be able to detect the difference between a giving in type of compromise and a true opening of the heart to a compassionate shift. If I have no confidence that I can detect the difference I will be afraid to really listen/empathize/take in what the other person is expressing.

Judgement and analysis of others are dissociated expressions of our own wants.

What a different and beautiful world if would be if women could give up the idea that they are women and realize that they do have voices and choices.

* * *

I want to speak to you from my need to connect,

In stead of using my words as a way to protect.

* * *

If I heard blame

I misunderstood your pain.

If you heard blame,

Please try to hear my pain again.

* * *

Right Road only has room for one.

Do you want to be right or have company.

* * *

If I cannot tell you my no I am never really saying yes. I am simply being swept along.

* * *

Needs are never in conflict. Only solutions or request can be in conflict. For example being hungry and tired are two needs. They are not really in conflict until I try to make a request of myself like to go to a restaurant or take a nap. These requests are in conflict. If I can let go of making a decision for a moment and just be with my needs a decision will make itself. As I feel into my need for rest and nutrition I will either fall asleep, or decide to lay down with a TV dinner, ask my partner to make me some food as I rest.

Love is never having to say or do anything. In other words if I have to or I must do something for someone, I am submitting, it is not coming freely from me and therefore is not love.

My fears are the places within me that are awaiting my own sweet empathy.

If I perceive pressure from someone, I am not hearing them. My own autonomy has been hooked and I am now in fear. I need empathy to my own fear before I can really hear the urgency they are probably expressing. If I can really just empathize with the other’s urgency or fear of not getting their needs met, this will greatly decrease the likelihood they will hear my "no" as a rejection.

Example: Someone runs up to you at a dance and grabs your hand and starts to pull you onto the dance floor. You are uncomfortable dancing with this person at the moment. You might respond:

You : "So you are really wanting to dance? And I am just wanting to watch for the moment."

This is partly because the other will sense a caring heart connection between us which will make it more difficult to believe that the "no" is an expression of a lack of caring. In other words it will be easier to here that the "no" is just truly about you taking care of yourself, instead of a rejection of the other. Also the empathy to the urgency will help the other feel that their intention has been accurately received. A frequent misperception of intention happens when I think someone is "trying to pressure me" and I interpret their motive as trying to get their needs met at my expense. When I think this way there is often a look of suspicion in my eye that is likely to trigger all the more hurt and panic for the other. How reassuring for the other if I can empathize with my own fear enough to say from my heart to them "Are youworried about getting to dance?" But I cannot really give this empathy to them from my heart if I have not first taken a moment to be with my own reaction to them.

Relationship Hell = Being sensitive to your partner’s pain and taking responsibility for it.

people.

The more I justify my needs or requests the more the other hears it as an attack. Example: "In my culture we always say ‘excuse me’ after burping." This is very likely to be perceived as an attack.

There may be no way to express some things the 1^st time that will not be heard as an attack.

Example:

John A. "Hi Mary. Long time no see. How about a hug?"

Mary B. "Get away from me you codependent parasitic pest. You are not roping me into another sick, twisted, controlling relationship!!!

John A. "Thank you. I can see not that it would be very scary for you to hug me right now."

Mary B. "You got that right buster."

John A. "And you like to protect yourself from the kind of pain and control you have experience in past relationships?"

Mary B. "That’s for sure."

John A. "I assume you would like to get to know me better before we had a hug?

Mary B. "Yes."

John A. "Longer than the twelve years we have known each other?"

If we are ready to empathize with the other person’s reaction, their misinterpretation of our intention as an attack, we can restore the sense of safety. It is helpful to practice empathizing with people’s typical misinterpretation of our intentions.

Some typical misinterpretations of one’s intentions: A Compassionate Comeback

1. You just in this venture for the money. Are you worried and would you like

An explanation of my motives?

2. You are trying to take advantage of me. Are you scared and wanting some

Reassurance that I care about you?

3. Your trying to hurt my feelings I hear the hurt. Would you like to

Hear what made me say what I did.

4. You do not care about me. Are you feeling hurt and needing

Some indication that you do matter.

5. You are trying to manipulate me. Are you feeling distrustful and

Needing some time to think about offer I made on your car?

When I think I need a particular person to empathize with me, it is often better to get someone else to empathize with me first.

There is no desperation to connect with another person. If I am feeling desperate it is because I have lost connection with me.

If I change my image of you, you cannot help but change your image of me. Also I will feel less scare of you as soon as I image the human feelings and needs behind your actions.

A relationship can be something I express myself through, or lose myself to.

As soon as I jump to solution I lose connection with the other’s needs.

If men could express their fear when they felt it, instead of worrying about being wimps,

And women could be true to themselves instead or worrying about being though of as bitchy,

The world would sweeten up and the streets would be safe.

The reason it is more difficult to stay in sweet deep dialogue with people you really care about is:

1. It is more difficult to see them in, or allow them to have their pain.
2. The potential loss, if they get upset and leave, is greater.
3. Your heart is on the line.

The better we can relate together.

The better we can create together.

No amount of control will substitute for trust.

You can seed your partner’s emotional clouds with empathy and help create a quick refreshing storm of self sharing.

Giving to get is not giving, it is buying.

Sometimes trying to be sensitive is the most insensitive thing you can do. (trying to break news to someone gently).

What makes me not free is my fear of abandonment or loss.

You are my wife, not my life.

Have you ever heard the question: "Who wears the pants in the family." The implication being:

1. Someone needs to be Old Testament dominant.
2. It is naturally the man who wears the pants, and therefore it is naturally his role to be dominant.
3. If the woman is dominant perhaps she is a cross dresser or lesbian.
4. If the man in the family is not dominating he must be gay or at least a pussy, wimp, pansy, girl, bitch or some other cowardly female slur.

Rebellion = The fear of submission to fear. If I think I have to choose between submission and rebellion, I will choose rebellion.

There maybe particular pains that your partner cannot empathize with until they resolve certain pains of their own. It is still necessary for you to get that empathy somewhere else. It does not mean you need to refrain from asking your partner for empathy about other things.

In my private practice as a marriage therapist I am forever getting one member of a couple coming to me saying that they are seriously considering leaving the relationship. When I as them they why, they say it is because this need or that is not getting met. When I check to see if they are clearly asking for their needs, I find out that they are not. I usually suggest that they go ahead and ask for what ever it is since there is so little to lose. Invariable the litany of excuses start to flow: "It is no use. I am sure they would not go for it. I do not want to upset them. If they loved me they would know what I want and give it to me without me having to ask. I cannot deal with they rejection if they say no. Etc." Of course it is all this kind of fear based, static thinking that prevented a flow of negotiation which might have made the relationship work.

If the relationship is shot you might as well use it for target practice. In other words go ahead and ask for everything you want and let the chips fall where they may. Practice being your full authentic self in the face of your fear of abandonment. If you cannot do it in a relationship that you are not sure you want to keep, you surely will not be able to do it in one that you do want to keep.

* * *

* * *

Unless I show you my ugliness we will drift apart.

If I hide the despair that is there in my heart,

A part of you will know and we’ll grow apart.

Love does not come from commitment. Commitment comes from the power of the love.

* * *

Your shame is your most humble, therefore most human part of you. It is what endears you to me the most.

* * *

"You only want to spend time with me when you want to spend time with me." says Mary. Mary is implying that "One should" sacrifice, or that there is something wrong with only wanting what one wants. She would probably feel shame and guilt to notice that she too only wants what she wants when she wants it.

* * *

There are no men and women only people with different plumage, plumbing and social programming.

* * *

All communication is either an SOS or a Care package, a please or a thank you, a need or an offering to meet a need.

* * *

Never answer another’s question until you are connected with their heart and need. Particularly a ‘why’ question. I want to wait until I am clear what need I am responding to. Example: "Why did you get home so late?" This is seldom a request for a traffic report. It is a poorly expressed request for empathy. Believe me, I have learned the hard way on this one.

There is a certain quality to self acceptance that no one else can give you.

A relationship can be a vehicle for growth, healing and raising spiritual consciousness

Two halves coming together create a whole lot of "hold On".

If you feel ‘used’ in a personal relationship it is because you were trying to ‘buy love’.

* * *

* * *

A Cross Word puzzle:

Example: "You are some kind of attention hog!!"

When someone sends you a cross word puzzle, you could try to sleuth out the feelings, needs, and requests.

Answer: "I detect what I think is irritation, and maybe you would like to contribute something to our gathering. Would you like to get up on stage here and play a song?"

The answer to today’s puzzle is in tomorrows edition. (Sometimes it is best to wait a day or so to process your own pain about what was said before the solution gradually emerges into your consciousness.)

Staying current keeps the current of erotic electricity flowing. (By staying current I mean expressing resentments, hurts, angers, celebrations, joys, losses, appreciations and irritations to your partner as soon as there is a space for them.)

The intention and action of not ‘giving in’, is a catalyst for a more synergistic and satisfying solution to be found. It creates a context where ‘giving to’ can occur.

Compromise divides up the resentments, so they can be shared fifty/fifty.

One of the reasons people do not get along is because they interpret each other's quest for freedom as an attempt to limit their own. When there is trust in the basic compassion of human beings the escalating Ping-Pong of distrust and protection through attack does not occur. When there is a value of really trying to minimize the impact I make on you in my quest for freedom and a willingness to seek solutions that will create the least impact for both of us while supporting the most freedom for both of us, we might be able to get along.

It is only fear that I might give up my freedom and pain from prisons past that prevents me from having empathy for my impact on you. If the idea of my freedom scares you it is because of your prediction that I will use my freedom to attack you and your pain from past trauma.

The more freedom anyone has the less likely they are to try to get their needs met at anyone's expense. This is true partly because the more freedom one has the more options they have to get their needs met other places. Violence and taking advantage of others often comes out of desperateness, powerlessness, and a fear that there are no other options. One big reason people separate or leave a relationship is because they fear there is no way to get their needs met or have the freedom they want while continuing to stay in the relationship.There is no such thing as a need to compromise. Compromise is a strategy with the intention to keep harmony. However the general outcome, as I have said before, is to divide up the resentment between the participating parties, fifty/fifty.

On Interrupting

A conversation is not a marriage. Even a marriage can be annulled or you can get divorced. Is it proper etiquette that whoever begins the conversation, or takes the floor first, is allowed to talk the others into the ground. No wonder so many people use words as walls. It is to protect themselves from being talked to death by other people. And it is these same people who use words as walls of protection from other people that get terribly wounded if you "interrupt" them. By "interrupt" I mean say anything while they are still speaking. The reason they get so wounded is because they have an ethnocentric belief, (Not all cultures have a concept of interrupt.) that it is impolite to "interrupt" others, that one should wait until the other is finished before speaking. So if anyone tries to get a word in edgewise while they are speaking, the Babalonian (that is the person using more words than you know how to enjoy) is going to judge them as impolite. These Babalonians are usually quite oblivious about how overbearing and oppressive their attitude and energy is in relation to others. They are often quite empty and lonely because of the isolation their "wall of words" creates for them, which makes them use all the more words to try to finally feel heard or seen.

Other times people are just not aware of what they are needing that is causing them to speak. Sometimes someone will just launch into a story without giving you any indication of why they are telling you the story. If you sit there and listen politely, without interrupting, awaiting your escape, as I have said before, you will resent them and will somehow make them pay for "accidentally oppressing" you. The longer you wait to speak up for yourself, the more pain, irritation and fear will be in your voice. It will also become more and more difficult to respond with dignity, grace and power.

Example:

Joe: "My dog Charlie was the best old hound anybody ever had. We used to take the best walks out across the canyon. I remember the time….

Bill: "Excuse me Joe, I am wondering if you are just really missing your old dog Charlie?"

Joe: "Am I ever."

As soon as you are connected with the feeling and need behind the story you will not be bored anymore. You will be connected with the other person’s life energy which will bring you back to life.

So one purpose of interrupting is to be sure you too are getting your needs for conversation met. It is to create a win/win conversation and not a they win/you lose conversation. And often when I interrupt for the purpose of joining with the speaker they feel much more heard.

Fairly often no matter how many times I guess and how hard I try to feel a part of the conversation I am not able to. So after I have tried a few unsuccessful attempts to guess what the Babalonian is feeling and needing or requesting of me, I change gears and use honesty instead of empathy.

Example:

Joe: "And then in 62 old Charlie came down with a bad case of mange and we took him to the Vet, but the Vet was not in his office that day so we took old Charlie….

Bill: "Excuse me Joe, I am confused, could you tell me what you are wanting from me about old Charlie?"

Joe: "Nothing, I am just telling a story. Why do you have to get so psychological on me?"

Bill: "OK Joe, if you are not wanting anything from me about the story, do you mind if I read the newspaper as you tell it?" (I am not too likely to say this unless I have let Joe go on too long.)

And if I have let it go on too long I want to remember to:

1. Grieve the loss of time and the abandonment of self.
2. Understand what made me chose to abandon myself without any self judgement
3. Rededicate myself to being Real – Honest in the Moment.
4. Then I might reread the following poem I wrote to remind me that I do not want to abandon myself again.

When someone is upset with me I want to keep focusing on what their needs might be instead of thinking about what is wrong with me.

Never settle. Settling is subtle violence to self.

If I defend myself from the other's projection they feel justified in their projection. It I empathize with their projecting they are left owning it.

Of course it is exhausting to play passive doormat in the name of trying to be holy; it spiritually wears us out. However it is invigorating not to take up arms against a sea of troubles but to take up hearts and creative nonviolent minds and encounter the forces of domination in a divine dialogue designated to include them in the solution.

In relationships, the whole idea of vanquishing the enemy is psychologically bankrupt. Because as Pogo once said, "We've met the enemy and the enemy is us."

What does love our enemies mean? Is not that a bit of an oxymoron phrase to begin with. By definition you are not loving someone if you are seeing them as an enemy. Anyone you 're seeing or thinking about as an enemy you are afraid of and fear is the opposite of love. For me love is an action not a psychological state. It is not an emotion that I can whip up on demand. So for me to love someone I was previously thinking of as an enemy I need to "understand"/have empathy for whatever is going on in them behind their actions that I have found disturbing.

* * *

Case Studies

Don and Jim had made a commitment with each other not to raise their voices to each other in public. And they were constantly catching each other breaking the agreement. They were also using the word rage as an accusation. "You had rage in your voice now did not you. Admit it!"

I told them I was worried that their commitment was not helping them get to the roots of the problem. I explained that a relationship can be like two gardens that we combine to make one. We cannot really commit to never having weeds sprout in the garden but we can commit to how we are going to deal with them. Anger, rage, contempt, disgust, are all like the tops of dandelion weeds but the roots are hurt, shame, guilt, and fear. In my relationships we are committed to pulling the weeds out by the roots to getting to whatever the pain is really all about underneath the weeds of sarcasm, blame, attempts to punish, or demands, or judgement.

Don - I had the hardest time getting him to admit that what he said to me was inappropriate.

Me – I wonder if you were just really feeling hurt in relation to what he said and wanted understanding for that hurt.

Don – Yea.

Me – I worried about even thinking that what he said was inappropriate because it makes it so much harder to get the empathy you are wanting. I do not have any moral judgement on the use of the word "inappropriate," nor do I think it is unspiritual, or non-religious. It is just more holistically selfish, more likely to get you what you are wanting, to speak to his compassion. You are less likely to trigger his defensiveness if you were to say that you are hurting now and need understanding for that pain, instead of trying to get him to admit he is being inappropriate.

Don – OK, I will try it.

I talked with Don a little later and he shared with me the following "Giraffe Tale." (A Giraffe Tale is a story about someone using compassionate communication to a wonderful conclusion.)

Don and Jim were in a restaurant when the following conversation occurred. They were talking and got caught up in their usual heated political discussion.

Jim: (with angry raised voice and tone) "I can not believe what a thick headed Democrat you are. You never budge on anything!!!!

Don: (Who told me at first he became furious, thinking Jim should not talk to him in the inappropriate manner. He gave himself empathy and then said.) "Jim I am feeling irritated and embarrassed right now, because I am wanting to be treated with more respect, especially in public. Would you lower your voice?"

Jim: "No I won’t lower my voice. This is still America and I still have a right to express myself!"

Don: (Having expressed his feelings, needs, and requests felt more centered and was thereby able to empathize with Jim.) "So your irritated because you want to maintain your right to free speech?"

Jim: "Damn right!"

Don: "I support you in your free speech. Would you please help me with my embarrassment by lowering your voice or if you need to express yourself this loudly, let’s go somewhere else."

Jim: "You just trying to avoid the fact that you are wrong about Republicans."

Don: "So you distrust my motive in asking us to take the conversation outside?"

Jim: (Now beginning to naturally lower his voice as he was sensing the respect and listening Don was giving him.) "Yea a little bit. Do you promise to take it up exactly where we left off if we drop it for now?"

Don: "Here I write a note on this napkin so we will remember where we left off?"

Jim: "OK, that works for me. And by the way thanks for not pointing out what a jerk I was being just now."

Sometimes couples get caught up in a game of trying to get each other to own their stuff. When either are doing that, that is their individual stuff. A way out of this is to quit saying, "I want you to own your stuff and instead start taking responsibility for one's own part."

When I sense my partner will give me anything I ask for, if I threaten to withhold love or sex, it is very tempting to use this power. Also when I put all my emotional needs eggs in one basket it is very difficult for me to stay true to myself when emotional/sexual withholding occurs. If I have many resources my partner threatening to withhold love or sex has no power over me. And when my partner has other resources for love I know my withholding will not get her to give in.

Keys to success for fun fighting

1. Good referees. Conscious intimate friends who care about and know both of you well. They need to have a good sense of knowing when to offer empathy, when to offer honest and when to but out.
2. Friends who supply a rich supply of intimacy to protect against dependency, and the control battle that go with it.
3. Developing a keen, inner, bodily sense of when one is shifting and when one is compromising.
4. Having an understanding with your loved ones that when things get intense it is valuable to quit talking about the content of the argument and express and talk just about the emotions.
5. Never argue reality. Let each person have their own reality. (So instead of saying "I did not say that!!!" you might say "I do not remember saying that."
6. When the fight has lost all of it’s fun, and is starting to tear at the fabric of the relationship (Like when a strong wind is tearing the fabric of the sail in your sailboat, better to bring the sails down for a while.) take a separate time out to journal or process with a friend.
7. When in pain, wait till you are clear what you want back from your partner before you share your pain. Then make a doable request for the empathy, honest, agreements, acknowledgement, appreciation, information, etc.
8. Go for the vulnerability. Drop down out of your head and into your body. Then say whatever the most vulnerable, while still true, feelings you can find there.

Some danger signals:

1. When your mind tells you: "Ask not what you can do for yourself, ask what is wrong with your partner."
2. When your mind tells you: "If you can just get her/him to change their behavior everything will be fine." No amount of control will substitute for trust.
3. You suddenly feel totally compelled for some unconscious reason to triple you spouse’s life insurance.
4. You are in the check out line at the grocery store and notice you are purchasing the super industrial size bag of cheetos, a case of 82 jars of chocolate syrup that you told the stock boy not to bother opening, and enough ice cream to open a parlor.
5. You keep putting you "But" in the face of your partner’s pain. They keep trying to get you to hear them but you keep saying "Yes, but."
6. You or your partner are smiling as anger, sadness or pain is being expressed.
7. You keeping moving to solution (Like "forget it then, let’s end the relationship") before you are conscious of all the needs that seem to be in conflict.
8. When the quality of connection between the human beings involved seems less important than getting someone to pick up their clothes.

The Need for Approval is Really

A Hole in the Soul

There is no such thing as a need for approval. I used to think that the need for approval was a misunderstood need for appreciation. In other words, we need feedback that we are contributing to someone or something’s well being. Now I think we just need honest feedback about how we are affecting the life around us, for better or worse. Once we know how we are contributing to someone’s wellbeing or detracting from it we can make an informed choice about what we want to do about it and how to live our lives. This helps in the process of graduating from seeking others' approval to meeting needs. We can then chose to meet other’s needs when it fits for us, and our own needs when it does not

One way we get approval is by shutting down or hiding our own needs. I remember being proud of my Aunt telling other people "He’s such a good boy" (before I hit my teen years). "He’s such a good boy." meant that I was able to suppress almost all my needs, and never ask for anything. Of course the cost of doing this is tremendous resentment which I act out by stealing money from my Aunt and eventually running away from home.

A fun question I like asking people is "Do you want to be real or resentful? Are you willing to be honest about your needs or do you prefer to ignore your needs and take the resulting frustration out on yourself and others?" Your body and being will choose one or the other, consciously or unconsciously.

• * *

Many people think by default. Instead of trying to get clear for themselves what their values are, they default to whatever their ministers, husbands/wives, or parents think. One problem with this kind of thinking is that it never leads to much satisfaction. Sure it fulfills other people's agendas but never the individual soul’s agenda for a fully lived life. It leaves us with that "Hole in the Soul" feeling that many of us spend a lifetime trying to fulfill with addictions and achievements.

One symptom of "Hole in the Soul" is the never ending voice of comparison composing the background music for the story of our lives. No matter how hard we try to live up to our society's standards for success there is always a little maddening voice in us pointing out that we could have done more.

Isn’t it a relief to notice that that inner comparison Jackal voice inside will always move the goal post on you? You will never satisfy it. Good, so now you can go ahead and only do what you want to.

The Comparison Jackal

Jackals are creatures that live in my head.

And whenever they speak I start feeling dread.

There are many breeds from critic to "poor me"

Forever diagnosing what is wrong with me.

They are comparison Jackals all ten feet tall,

Pointing out to me that I’m really quite small.

They remind me I’m nobody, not famous like Amos.

It’s not something I’m proud of, in fact I feel shamous.

That I haven’t done more with the gifts I’ve been given.

I’ve hardly done nothin' I’ve hardly been livin'.

And I don’t have much money not one share of stock.

On Christmas I’ll bet I get rocks in my sock.

How I’m not much to look at with a growing potbelly.

And it’s hard to be macho with a girl’s name like Kelly.

Now comparison Jackals area fast breeding lot

They never get tired of pointing out what your not.

Even if you’ve won an Olympic Gold medal

Will your jackal be happy and finally settle?

No, it will scream "What’s the matter with you?

If you’d only tried harder you could have won two?"

So whether you try your least or your most

You can trust your Jackal to move the goal post.

So how do you win the comparison game?

You are going to lose if to win is your aim.

You must lose to win which is simply done.

By refusing to play those games that aren’t fun.

To lose the fear to appear second rate

And be uniquely you is a new kind of great.

To lose yourself into selfless esteem

And think your own thoughts and dream your own dream.

And always to ask for 100 percent

Of what ever you want so you’ll never resent.

That way you’ll never miss out on a chance

To invite yourself to enter life’s dance.

By Kelly Bryson

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If we do not need approval then what do we do when other’s want to compliment us? Compliments are one of the great joys in life and an important way of learning about how we are affecting others. Too often jackal thoughts like "I do not deserve this compliment" or "They must be trying to get something from me" or "Oh, my God how do I respond to this" block us from receiving the energy and knowledge that would increase our sense of self worth. It also prevents the giver of the compliment from having the joy of giving their gift. Here are some tips on how to honor, celebrate and enjoy compliments:Milk every compliment.

When someone says to me "Great workshop", I almost always ask "Wonderful, what did you like about it?" Then I try to milk out these three things. One, I try to find out specifically what I said or did that they are reacting to. This one lady I remember said that what I did was to quickly get to heart of the pain and the problem that each person brought up to work with. Two, I then asked her what needs of hers did that meet. She told me that during the course of her work with me she had finally been able to see the humanness behind some of her son’s actions and that had given her hope for their relationship. Three, I then asked her for what feelings she was having about all this by guessing if she felt ‘relieved’. She said "Relieved and hopeful for a better relationship."

When we had finished I felt a sort of deep sense of relief and confidence that I truly had contributed to life. I was very glad that I had not just said "Thanks for the compliment." I am grateful I took the time to really take it in, and empathize with the gratitude I was being offered. When I have talked to people later about how they felt about how I "took in" their compliment I frequently hear things like – "I felt really honored that you would take the time to receive my gift." Or "I felt really heard and that my compliment was genuinely appreciated." When someone gives you a gift package and you take the time to open it and pull out the shirt and put it on, it is a great gift back to the giver.

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